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Assorted background noises
BRIDGET Right, right. Whoa-whoa, not too fast! Oh, I feel terrible!
ANNIE Oh, poor Bridget, are you in pain?
BRIDGET No, but what about the parties? I can’t go like this!
NICK I could take you dancing!
BRIDGET Ow!! Christmas is cancelled!
Sound of cracker being pulled
NICK Hey, hee-hee-hee!
HECTOR Is that it?
NICK Yeah, crackers are great!
HECTOR So, what else do you have at Christmas?
NICK Oh, turkey, Christmas pudding, mince pies.
HECTOR Mince pies. How do you make them?
NICK Oh, it’s just pastry and mincemeat.
HECTOR Mince meat?
NICK Yeah, it’s traditional, it’s sultanas, raisins and spices. It’s mince …
HECTOR … Meat.
NICK Yeah, ah-hah … Hey, listen to this, what do you get if you cross a chicken with a clock?
HECTOR I don’t know. NICK An alarm cluck! An alarm cluck! Ha-ha!
HECTOR I don’t get it.
NICK An alarm cluck! Cluck-cluck-cluck, one a cluck, two a cluck, cluck-cluck-cluck!
HECTOR A clock?!
Christmas music
ANNIE [Composing email] Oh, I love Christmas. Mince pies, mistletoe.
HECTOR Mistle-toe?
ANNIE It’s an English tradition, when you stand under it, you can kiss someone.
ANNIE [Composing email] Poor Nick is having a difficult time playing Father Christmas.
NICK I was holding this baby – coo-goo-goo-goo, when suddenly … !
ANNIE [Composing email] Those naughty children! He-he-he!
BRIDGET [Composing email] I hate Christmas! I had so many exciting parties to go to.
BRIDGET It’s so difficult being so popular.
BRIDGET [Composing email] But stupid Nick left his stupid sleigh in the hall.
NICK Oh, my sleigh! I forgot!
BRIDGET [Composing email] I fell over it and broke my leg!
Crashing noise/scream
Christmas music
HECTOR Boom-dikka-ding-boom-ding-ding-ding – right, mince pies! First, the pastry! And now the minced meat from the best butcher!
Christmas music
HECTOR Mmm, they smell good, don’t they Charley.
Sound of door opening/closing
ANNIE Phew! Well I’ve finished all my Christmas shopping.
HECTOR Oh madam! Refreshment? Mince pie?
ANNIE Mince pies? Oh Hector, you are clever.
HECTOR I followed the rec-eep.
ANNIE … ‘p’.
HECTOR Mince ‘p’?
ANNIE No, no, no. Rec-ipe.
HECTOR Oh, rec-ipe.
ANNIE Mmm.
HECTOR Hmm.
ANNIE Umm.
HECTOR Good choice, madam. Merry Christmas!
ANNIE Yuk!!
HECTOR Something wrong?
ANNIE It’s dal-icious, delicious ahm. Erm, you know, Hector, Christmas is all about sharing. Erm, would you like some, Charley?
ANNIE & HECTOR Hmm/Mmm/Umm.
ANNIE Hey, it’s Saint Nicholas!
NICK Oh!
HECTOR Nick, what happened to your beard?
NICK Ah, one Christmas candle, one small child – woomph!
Laughter
NICK Hey, mince pies, yummy, yeah!
HECTOR With best mince from the best butcher. Mmm.
ANNIE Erm, Hector.
HECTOR Hmm?
ANNIE What did you put in the pies?
HECTOR Mince meat – from the best butcher.
ANNIE This is mincemeat. This is minced meat.
HECTOR Isn’t it the same thing?
ANNIE Not quite.
NICK Ha-ha! Delicious!
ANNIE Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s make this a special Christmas, just for Bridget.
Sound of knocking on door/Christmas music
MALE NURSE Night-night.
ANNIE Hey Bridget, do you want to come carol singing? HECTOR Who is Carol?
ANNIE Carols are Christmas songs. You knock on people’s doors and sing to them for money.
NICK Let’s do it! Hmm!
ANNIE For charity! For poor little children.
NICK Huh!
ANNIE Some children have no Christmas.
BRIDGET Just like me.
ANNIE And your job as Santa Claus is so important. You help children to believe in Christmas!
NICK Yes, you’re right, Annie, I do. My job is important! I help children to believe!!
Christmas music
ANNIE Right, let’s go!
BRIDGET I’ll go, only if we can sing Abba songs.
HECTOR And that will make you happy? Here, have a mince pie.
BRIDGET Oh, all right.
Christmas music
BRIDGET Ugh!
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK “Away in a manger …”
OFF SCREEN VOICE Dog in a manger, more like, good night!
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK “Silent night …”
OFF SCREEN VOICE I wish you were, all night!
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK “We Three Kings of Orient are … one on a scooter, one in a car ….”
OFF SCREEN VOICE Get lost!
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK “Merrily on high …”
OFF SCREEN VOICE Get ‘em Gnasher.
Sound of dog barking
BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK “O Come All Ye Faithful, joyful and triumph …”
Sound of dogs barking
BRIDGET [Voice fades into background singing ‘O Come All Ye Faithful]
Christmas music
HECTOR Hi Annie, I like the tree.
ANNIE Oh thank you, it’s nearly finished.
HECTOR Please, use these. My decorations.
ANNIE Oh, sweet, Hector. Are they from Argentina?
HECTOR No, Oxford Street. Aren’t they great!
ANNIE Oh, great. |
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