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I'm sorry, is this man bothering you?
TONY Hey, honey, I'm just askin' him for his Autograph. This is da guy here, Steve Martin. ANDY It's all right, miss. TONY You heard him, honey, back in The kitchen where you belong. Waitress leaves in a huff. TONY (man to man) If they didn't have “you know whats”, There'd be bounties on 'em. (smirk, smirk) Lemme get your autograph here. I got some paper on me somewhere... here it is. ANDY (about to sign) What's your name? TONY Tony... Tony Clifton. ANDY (writing) To Tony, best wishes, Andy Kaufman. TONY Thank you, thank you very much... or should I saw, “dank you veddy much! ” I see you Sign your autographs “best wishes” here. ANDY Yeah. TONY I sign mine “lots of luck”. Zmuda almost chokes on his food. TONY I'll tell ya what -- you signed one For me -- I'll sign one for you. That's the least I could do. Here we go. (writing) To Andy, lots of luck, Tony Clifton. ANDY Why, thank you. Exactly what do You do in the business? TONY I do it all. I sing songs... I dance... I tell Stories. Listen, I happen ta be starrin' in My own little show in townand I'd like ta Invite you guys ta come on down. ANDY Well, thank you. TONY I'll be performin' over at da Porterhouse Lounge. It's on Market and Fifth. I'll be there In about an hour doin' my last Show of the evenin'.I'm on break right now... as a matter of fact, I better get back. ANDY Well, Mr. Clifton, it's a pleasure meeting You and we'll try to catch your act. TONY (leaving) Okay, bye. I'll see ya later. And don't take any wooden nickels. If y'know what I mean. (smirk) He leaves. ZMUDA Unbelievable. ANDY (holding photo) Didn't George say I get to choose my Own opening act at the Comedy Store? Zmuda and Kaufman smile knowingly. EXT. PORTERHOUSE LOUNGE - SIGN A tacky lounge that not too long ago might have been called the Porterhouse Restaurant. INT. PORTERHOUSE LOUNGE - STAGE A singing act has just finished. We hear applause. The Emcee walks up to the mike, applauding. EMCEE All right, that was... (looking at list) Maureen Bakula. Let's hear it for Maureen. Applause. EMCEE All right, now we're going to call number twenty-seven... Number twenty-seven Is a magician, Harold Wagner. Applause. Magician walks on stage and starts performing. Pan lounge and as we get to the front door, in walk Zmuda and Kaufman. A Hostess greets them. HOSTESS Yes, two? ANDY Yes, has Tony Clifton been on yet? HOSTESS Who? ANDY Tony Clifton. He's singing here tonight. HOSTESS Singing here... so are they. She points to a gathering of about twenty-five performers, all holding number cards and sheet music. HOSTESS Along with musicians, comics... I think we even have a dog act. A dog barks. ZMUDA (to Kaufman) Headlining, huh?! HOSTESS This way, please. Zmuda and Kaufman are seated at a booth. We watch the magician doing the Chinese linking rings. When he is finished the audience politely applauds and the Emcee mounts the stage. EMCEE Let's hear it for him. The magic of Harold Wagner. The magician bows. More applause. EMCEE All right, next is number Twenty-eight, Budd Lewis. (looks into audience) Budd Lewis. What? He left already? Well, he missed his big chance. All right, moving right along... Number twenty-nine, Tony Clifton. ZMUDA Here we go. ANDY Oh, man. EMCEE Tony Clifton... Tony Clifton. TONY I'm comin', I'm comin'... Keep your pants on. Tony makes his way to the stage. EMCEE Are you a singer or a comedian? TONY I happen ta be a singer of songs. EMCEE All right, where's your music. TONY I don't have any music. EMCEE Well, do you need our piano player. TONY No... I don't need no piano player. EMCEE Oh, you brought your own accompaniment. TONY Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got accompaniment! I got accompaniment. Here, here's a dime, Just put it in the jukebox dere, and play B-46. The Emcee, very confused, does what Tony asks. Zmuda and Kaufman are dumbfounded. The record starts to play. It's Frank Sinatra singing, “Come Blow Your Horn”. Tony sings along. ZMUDA (through teeth) Oh, my God, Kaufman... the man's singing to Sinatra! ANDY (captivated) Get a load of this guy. |
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