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I'm sorry, is this man bothering you?



TONY

Hey, honey, I'm just askin' him for his

Autograph. This is da guy here, Steve Martin.

ANDY

It's all right, miss.

TONY

You heard him, honey, back in

The kitchen where you belong.

Waitress leaves in a huff.

TONY

(man to man)

If they didn't have “you know whats”,

There'd be bounties on 'em.

(smirk, smirk)

Lemme get your autograph here. I got

some paper on me somewhere... here it is.

ANDY

(about to sign)

What's your name?

TONY

Tony... Tony Clifton.

ANDY

(writing)

To Tony, best wishes, Andy Kaufman.

TONY

Thank you, thank you very much... or should

I saw, “dank you veddy much! ” I see you

Sign your autographs “best wishes” here.

ANDY

Yeah.

TONY

I sign mine “lots of luck”.

Zmuda almost chokes on his food.

TONY

I'll tell ya what -- you signed one

For me -- I'll sign one for you.

That's the least I could do. Here we go.

(writing)

To Andy, lots of luck, Tony Clifton.

ANDY

Why, thank you. Exactly what do

You do in the business?

TONY

I do it all. I sing songs... I dance... I tell

Stories. Listen, I happen ta be starrin' in

My own little show in townand I'd like ta

Invite you guys ta come on down.

ANDY

Well, thank you.

TONY

I'll be performin' over at da

Porterhouse Lounge. It's on

Market and Fifth. I'll be there

In about an hour doin' my last

Show of the evenin'.I'm on break

right now... as a matter of fact,

I better get back.

ANDY

Well, Mr. Clifton, it's a pleasure meeting

You and we'll try to catch your act.

TONY

(leaving)

Okay, bye. I'll see ya later.

And don't take any wooden nickels.

If y'know what I mean.

(smirk)

He leaves.

ZMUDA

Unbelievable.

ANDY

(holding photo)

Didn't George say I get to choose my

Own opening act at the Comedy Store?

Zmuda and Kaufman smile knowingly.

EXT. PORTERHOUSE LOUNGE - SIGN

A tacky lounge that not too long ago might have been called the Porterhouse Restaurant.

INT. PORTERHOUSE LOUNGE - STAGE

A singing act has just finished. We hear applause. The Emcee walks up to the mike, applauding.

EMCEE

All right, that was...

(looking at list)

Maureen Bakula.

Let's hear it for Maureen.

Applause.

EMCEE

All right, now we're going

to call number twenty-seven...

Number twenty-seven

Is a magician, Harold Wagner.

Applause. Magician walks on stage and starts performing. Pan lounge and as we get to the front door, in walk Zmuda and Kaufman. A Hostess greets them.

HOSTESS

Yes, two?

ANDY

Yes, has Tony Clifton been on yet?

HOSTESS

Who?

ANDY

Tony Clifton. He's singing here tonight.

HOSTESS

Singing here... so are they.

She points to a gathering of about twenty-five performers, all holding number cards and sheet music.

HOSTESS

Along with musicians, comics...

I think we even have a dog act.

A dog barks.

ZMUDA

(to Kaufman)

Headlining, huh?!

HOSTESS

This way, please.

Zmuda and Kaufman are seated at a booth. We watch the magician doing the Chinese linking rings. When he is finished the audience politely applauds and the Emcee mounts the stage.

EMCEE

Let's hear it for him. The magic of Harold Wagner.

The magician bows. More applause.

EMCEE

All right, next is number

Twenty-eight, Budd Lewis.

(looks into audience)

Budd Lewis. What? He left already?

Well, he missed his big chance.

All right, moving right along...

Number twenty-nine, Tony Clifton.

ZMUDA

Here we go.

ANDY

Oh, man.

EMCEE

Tony Clifton... Tony Clifton.

TONY

I'm comin', I'm comin'...

Keep your pants on.

Tony makes his way to the stage.

EMCEE

Are you a singer or a comedian?

TONY

I happen ta be a singer of songs.

EMCEE

All right, where's your music.

TONY

I don't have any music.

EMCEE

Well, do you need our piano player.

TONY

No... I don't need no piano player.

EMCEE

Oh, you brought your own accompaniment.

TONY

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got accompaniment!

I got accompaniment. Here, here's a dime,

Just put it in the jukebox dere, and play B-46.

The Emcee, very confused, does what Tony asks. Zmuda and Kaufman are dumbfounded. The record starts to play. It's Frank Sinatra singing, “Come Blow Your Horn”. Tony sings along.

ZMUDA

(through teeth)

Oh, my God, Kaufman...

the man's singing to Sinatra!

ANDY

(captivated)

Get a load of this guy.


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