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Maybe if I squeezed his ear there.



Can I pick him up by da tail?

Audience laughs.

JOAN

No, you shouldn't do that.

TONY

I'm only foolin'. I love animals.

Well listen., we're gonna cut to

A commercial now, but we'll be

Right back. Joan, you just stay

Where you are. We shall return.

Music. Applause. Taping light shuts off. Tony gets up from desk and walks over to where Kaufman is standing off stage.

TONY

Mr. Kaufman, can I speak ta ya

Alone for a minute?

ANDY

Sure, Tony...

They move to a more private spot.

ANDY

(serious)

What is it?

TONY

It's just that I don't feel right about

Doin' some a these things ya got me

Doin'. Like insultin' Raquel Welch like that.

Andy looks around to make sure no one is listening.

ANDY

Tony, she was acting...

Believe me, it was all set up.

TONY

I don't know, Mr. Kaufman. I'm confused.

ANDY

Tony, that's what's making you a big

star... the people love it. We're just

Giving the public what they want.

Tony, statistics show that what we're

Doing actually lowers the crime rate.

TONY

(humbled)

It does?

ANDY

Of course. The audience gets to work

Out their aggression coming to your shows.

TONY

What about this seal thing here?

ANDY

Look, let me show you again.

(calling to prop man)

Hey, Rudy, give me that special prop I wanted.

Prop man walks over to Kaufman, hands him a noticably fake baby seal and leaves.

ANDY

You see... here it is.

TONY

That doesn't look real ta me.

ANDY

That's because it's not turned on.

Believe me, Tony, out there you

Won't know it from the real thing.

TONY

Ya won't forget ta switch 'em, will ya?

ANDY

Tony, trust me.

(purposely changing subject)

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you...

Anna arrived.

TONY

(excited)

She did! Where is she?

ANDY

Calm down, she's at a hotel.

Here's the key.

(hands him key)

I had everything arranged.

Now I want you to go to makeup

And get touched up a little. Let's

Finish this show so we can all

Get out of here. Okay?

TONY

(almost childlike)

You bet, Mr. Kaufman. Oh boy,

Anna's here! I better hurry!

Tony runs off. Kaufman is standing there holding the fake seal.

TONY

(to nearby prop man)

Rudy! Here, take this.

(tosses seal)

RUDY

What do you want me to do with it?

ANDY

(coldly)

Ditch it!

PANEL - A FEW MINUTES LATER - TONY

Is seated once again. Joan is still holding the baby seal. Stage Manager begins counting down. Tony leans over to Joan.

TONY

(winking)

Looks just like da real thing.

(smirk, smirk)

Joan smiles, not sure what he means.

STAGE MANAGER

Five-four-three-two-one --

We're on the air.

Applause.

TONY

(reading from paper)

Okay, welcome back. My next

Guest is from the regions of

Newfoundland. Let's have a big

hand for Mr. Igor Vor... Vorst.

Applause. Igor Vorst walks out. A mountain of a man, dressed in his native garb. Everything about Igor is big -- except his brain.

TONY

How ya doin', Igor? It's good

Ta have ya on the show here.

IGOR

(broken English)

Good... yes, good.

Laughter.

TONY

So tell me, why is it you

Like ta kill baby seals?

Audience is shocked, but laughs.

IGOR

No like to kill. This is how make living.

Giggles.

TONY

I see, so you justify your means

Of existence by clubbin' the baby

Seals over da old head dere.

Laughter.

TONY

That's how you make your bread and butter.

Louder laughter.

IGOR

No eat bread butter...

Eat beechuck whale blubber.

Audience is in hysteria.

TONY

All right, all right, dont' get excited

Dere, Igor. It's just an old sayin' --

“bread and butter”. It's like sayin'

“here's mud in your eye”.

IGOR

(rubbing eyes)

No mud in eye. Wash face before come out.

Audience breaks up.

TONY

(to Audience)

I think someone clubbed Igor a few times.

(smirk, smirk)

Audience roars.

TONY

(back to Igor)

Well, all right. By some strange

Coincidence, it just so happens that

We have a baby seal right here on the show.

Laughter. Joan moves over, clutching the baby seal.

TONY

And if ya like, maybe ya could

Give us a little demonstration.

Laughter.

IGOR

I club seal now?

Louder laughter.

JOAN

What????

TONY

Sure, go right ahead.

Igor gets up, walks behind a curtain and pulls out a large bloodstained club. Tony walks over to Joan.

TONY

Okay, give him da seal.

JOAN

(shocked)

I will not!

TONY


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