Архитектура Аудит Военная наука Иностранные языки Медицина Металлургия Метрология Образование Политология Производство Психология Стандартизация Технологии |
Maybe if I squeezed his ear there.
Can I pick him up by da tail? Audience laughs. JOAN No, you shouldn't do that. TONY I'm only foolin'. I love animals. Well listen., we're gonna cut to A commercial now, but we'll be Right back. Joan, you just stay Where you are. We shall return. Music. Applause. Taping light shuts off. Tony gets up from desk and walks over to where Kaufman is standing off stage. TONY Mr. Kaufman, can I speak ta ya Alone for a minute? ANDY Sure, Tony... They move to a more private spot. ANDY (serious) What is it? TONY It's just that I don't feel right about Doin' some a these things ya got me Doin'. Like insultin' Raquel Welch like that. Andy looks around to make sure no one is listening. ANDY Tony, she was acting... Believe me, it was all set up. TONY I don't know, Mr. Kaufman. I'm confused. ANDY Tony, that's what's making you a big star... the people love it. We're just Giving the public what they want. Tony, statistics show that what we're Doing actually lowers the crime rate. TONY (humbled) It does? ANDY Of course. The audience gets to work Out their aggression coming to your shows. TONY What about this seal thing here? ANDY Look, let me show you again. (calling to prop man) Hey, Rudy, give me that special prop I wanted. Prop man walks over to Kaufman, hands him a noticably fake baby seal and leaves. ANDY You see... here it is. TONY That doesn't look real ta me. ANDY That's because it's not turned on. Believe me, Tony, out there you Won't know it from the real thing. TONY Ya won't forget ta switch 'em, will ya? ANDY Tony, trust me. (purposely changing subject) Oh, I almost forgot to tell you... Anna arrived. TONY (excited) She did! Where is she? ANDY Calm down, she's at a hotel. Here's the key. (hands him key) I had everything arranged. Now I want you to go to makeup And get touched up a little. Let's Finish this show so we can all Get out of here. Okay? TONY (almost childlike) You bet, Mr. Kaufman. Oh boy, Anna's here! I better hurry! Tony runs off. Kaufman is standing there holding the fake seal. TONY (to nearby prop man) Rudy! Here, take this. (tosses seal) RUDY What do you want me to do with it? ANDY (coldly) Ditch it! PANEL - A FEW MINUTES LATER - TONY Is seated once again. Joan is still holding the baby seal. Stage Manager begins counting down. Tony leans over to Joan. TONY (winking) Looks just like da real thing. (smirk, smirk) Joan smiles, not sure what he means. STAGE MANAGER Five-four-three-two-one -- We're on the air. Applause. TONY (reading from paper) Okay, welcome back. My next Guest is from the regions of Newfoundland. Let's have a big hand for Mr. Igor Vor... Vorst. Applause. Igor Vorst walks out. A mountain of a man, dressed in his native garb. Everything about Igor is big -- except his brain. TONY How ya doin', Igor? It's good Ta have ya on the show here. IGOR (broken English) Good... yes, good. Laughter. TONY So tell me, why is it you Like ta kill baby seals? Audience is shocked, but laughs. IGOR No like to kill. This is how make living. Giggles. TONY I see, so you justify your means Of existence by clubbin' the baby Seals over da old head dere. Laughter. TONY That's how you make your bread and butter. Louder laughter. IGOR No eat bread butter... Eat beechuck whale blubber. Audience is in hysteria. TONY All right, all right, dont' get excited Dere, Igor. It's just an old sayin' -- “bread and butter”. It's like sayin' “here's mud in your eye”. IGOR (rubbing eyes) No mud in eye. Wash face before come out. Audience breaks up. TONY (to Audience) I think someone clubbed Igor a few times. (smirk, smirk) Audience roars. TONY (back to Igor) Well, all right. By some strange Coincidence, it just so happens that We have a baby seal right here on the show. Laughter. Joan moves over, clutching the baby seal. TONY And if ya like, maybe ya could Give us a little demonstration. Laughter. IGOR I club seal now? Louder laughter. JOAN What???? TONY Sure, go right ahead. Igor gets up, walks behind a curtain and pulls out a large bloodstained club. Tony walks over to Joan. TONY Okay, give him da seal. JOAN (shocked) I will not! TONY |
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