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The chances -- We'd be sharin' love



Before the night was through.

Do-be-do-be-do -- do-be-do-be-do”.

Natives begin to turn to each other and murmur.

NATIVES

“Do-be-do-be-do”?

TONY

Ya wanna hold it down, please...

You can all sing after the meal.

(continues to sing)

“Do-be-do-be-do”.

The Natives excitedly pull Tony from the pot. Clifton believes his time has come.

TONY

(scared)

What are you doin'? Please, don't!

As a matter of fact, let's forget

the whole thing... I'll take

Ya all out ta Bob's Big Boy.

They grab him, he faints and his toupee falls off his head.

INT. JUNGLE TEMPLE - MOMENTS LATER

Standing majestically on top of an altar is the Frank Sinatra cut-out. At his feet lay offerings of exotic fruits. Camera pans over to reveal Tony, still passed out, seated upon a jungle throne. The Natives are on their knees, silently bowing in his direction... his toupee has been placed religiously on top of a nearby skull. Tony is just now coming around.

TONY

(dazed)

Oh... I must be dreamin'.

Tony's eyes open and slowly begin to focus in... he sees the skull. Tony screams -- so do the Natives.

NATIVES

Do-be-do-be-do!

Tony faints dead away... a few beats go by and he begins to come around.

TONY

(eyes closed)

Uh, oh... I'm wakin' up again.

I hope I don't see... what I just saw...

Tony opens his eyes and sees the skull, almost faints, but doesn't.

TONY

Wait a second... dat ain't me...

(pinching face)

... Dis is. What's goin' on around...

(spots Sinatra cut-out)

FRANK!!

NATIVES

(loud)

Do-be-do-be-do.

Tony almost faints again, but this time he investigates further.

TONY

(testing them)

Do... be.

NATIVES

Do... be.

TONY

Do... be.

NATIVES

Do... be.

TONY

(softly)

Do.

NATIVES

(exuberantly)

Do-be-do-be-do.

TONY

(figuring it out)

Oh... I get it... you think I'm...

Well, well, well, welllll!

Tony starts strutting, picks up a piece of fruit from the altar.

TONY

Dis is more like it...

Do-be-do-be-dooooooo.

(spots beautiful native girls)

Yeah, things are beginnin'

to shape up around here...

From outside the temple we hear the voice of a Newsboy.

NEWSBOY

(o.s.)

Extra... extra... read all about it!

TONY

What's that?

He leaves the temple; the Natives follow.

EXT. NATIVE VILLAGE

NEWSBOY

Extra... extra... read all about it...

Clifton burial to be held...

TONY

Hey, boy, come here.

The Newsboy walks over to Tony.

TONY

What's this all about?

NEWSBOY

Golly, mister. Haven't you heard... they're

holdin' Tony Clifton's funeral tomorrow!

TONY

What are you talkin' about! ...

Give me one of those...

(grabs paper; reads aloud)

“Services will be held tomorrow

for Tony Clifton... Tickets can

Be purchased through Kaufman

Productions.” Why, that creep...

He's still cashin' in on me.

(to Newsboy)

By the way... what are you doin' sellin'

Papers in the middle of the jungle?

NEWSBOY

Can I help it if they gave me a bad corner?

(beat)

Extra... extra...

Newsboy leaves. Tony does a double take as we:

DISSOLVE TO

EXT. FOREST LAWN CEMETERY - NEXT DAY

We see a ludicrous granite statue of Tony pouring a glass of water over the head of John the Baptist. Camera opens up to reveal thousands of people, most of them wearing peach tuxes with black arm bands.  A few fanatics are carrying signs that read, “TONY DIED FOR OUR SINS”. They have all come to pay their last respects. And pay they will, as the numerous ticket turnstiles can attest to. We see an expensive peach-colored casket sitting open. Lying inside is Tony's peach tuxedo. On the satin pillow we see the last remains of Tony Clifton -- moustache and toupee. Anna and the rest of the gang are present. Kaufman is about to give the eulogy... he steps up to the podium and points to the organist, who starts playing.

ANDY

(laying it on thick)

We are all gathered here today to

Bid one final farewell to Anthony

Sebastian Clifton -- who passed

From our midst far too soon. The

World has lost the greatest superstar

of all time... and I... have lost my...

Best friend.

Mourning in the b.g.

ANDY

But grieve not, my brothers, for

Tony need not be forgotten.

Fortunately, he can be remembered

forever... through this magnificent...

(pulls album out

From behind podium)


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