I ain't dancin' wid no broad wid no hair lip.

(pause)

Don't worry, I let her off easy.

Camera pans room as we see young people dancing.

CUT TO

A FEW SECONDS LATER - TONY & BUGSY

Sitting at the bar drinking.

TONY

I'd like ta make a toast.

(seriously)

To Frank and da boys.

BUGSY

Frank and the boys.

They clink glasses and drink.

TONY

Hey, Bartender, did ya hear about da Polish

whose wife had triplets? ... He went out

Lookin' for da other two guys?

Tony laughs, doing the famous “Clifton Smirk.” In the b.g., we see the Bartender way at the other end of the bar, busy: he's not even capable of hearing Tony. But to Tony it makes no difference.

TONY

(smirk)

Get this one.

Polish parachute...

Opens on impact.

(smirk)

Polish firin' squad...

They stand in a circle.

(smirk)

A well-endowed young beauty walks by.

TONY

Get a load a da bazookas on dat one!

BUGSY

Wow!

TONY

(getting up)

Listen, Bugsy, I'm gonna go into da

Old bathroom here and take a load

off my mind... if y'know what I mean.

INT. BATHROOM - TONY

Sitting in a stall without a door. He has no toilet paper.

TONY

(yelling)

Hey, where's da toilet paper here?

I got no toilet paper. Hey, hey,

Is anybody here?

He starts punching the stall.

TONY

Hey, is anybody home?

Is anybody home... I need toilet paper.

WASHROOM VALET

A black midget, smoking a stogie. His name is Pee Wee.

PEE WEE

What's wrong in dere? What's da problem?

TONY

Da problem is dere's no toilet paper.

PEE WEE

Well, why din't ya say so?

TONY

I'm sayin' so.

PEE WEE

Okay already, I'll get ya some.

TONY

What kind a place ya runnin' here?

I'm droppin' a load... you got no toilet paper.

PEE WEE

(hands him toilet paper)

Okay, ya got it now.

TONY

And don't squeeze da Charmin,

If y'know what I mean.

PEE WEE

I don't know what you mean by dat.

I'm just tryin' ta do my job here.

TONY

It's a joke. It's a joke.

Don't squeeze da Charmin.

It's from television.

We hear a flush. Tony comes out and is straightening himself in front of the mirror. Pee Wee starts brushing him off with a wisk broom.

TONY

Not too hard, not too hard,

You'll damage da threads.

PEE WEE

Ya need a little cologne?

TONY

Well, whatta ya got dere?

PEE WEE

I got the hottest cologne in town.

I got cologne here ya can't buy anywhere else.

TONY

Oh, yeah!  What's it called?

PEE WEE

Purple Passion.

TONY

Purple Passion?

PEE WEE

Dere it is, right dere.

CLOSEUP - BOTTLE OF PURPLE PASSION

A ridiculous-looking bottle. NOTE: Every time we see the bottle, it is shown radiating bright purple light and we hear bleeding saxophones.

PEE WEE

Ya put dis stuff on, you can go out

Dere an' get any girl ya want.

TONY

Oh, yeah? Any girl I want, huh? ...

I don't need any help.

PEE WEE

I can see dat! I can see a man in yo' sitchation

don't need dis. But ya put just a little splash

a dis stuff on an' it makes it justa little bit easier.

TONY

Dat's right.. a little bit easier...

Make da girl enjoy it more.

PEE WEE

Dat's right, you got it.

TONY

Not that she's not gonna enjoy me in da first place.

PEE WEE

Oh no, not dat.

TONY

Well, tell me, how much is it?

CLOSEUP - BOTTLE

It says 95 cents. Tony doesn't see it.

PEE WEE

Nine dollars and fi'ty cents.

TONY

Nine dollars and fifty cents?

PEE WEE

But fo' you, I'll sell it fo' nine dollars.

TONY

Nine dollars!

PEE WEE

Dat's right. Take it or leave it. Dis da last

Bottle left. All da rest sold like hotcakes.

TONY

Like hotcakes, huh?

PEE WEE

Dat's right, dis stuff is imported

All the way from Taiwan.

TONY

Taiwan, huh?

PEE WEE

Dat's right... dis stuff'll change yo' life.

TONY

Change my life, huh? ...

All right, I'll take it.

PEE WEE

Here ya go, thank you very much.

Tony pays the midget and then starts splashing the Purple Passion all over himself.

PEE WEE

I think you be puttin'

too much o' dat stuff on!

TONY

Dat's all right, I know what I'm doin'.

Don't tell me how ta put on cologne...

You're talkin' ta Mr. Cologne himself.

Mr. Cologne from Cologne. I'll tell ya

That much. If y'know what I mean.

PEE WEE

I don't know what you mean.

TONY

Dat reminds me a da time I was in the war.

I was stationed in Cologne and ---

PEE WEE

(interrupting)

I wish I could stay here all day an' listen

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