A woman pushing the baby in a stroller walks towards Tony.

TONY

Oh, look at that, look how cute!

Coo che coo che coo. Coo che coo

Che coo. looks just like a human

Bein'. Just like a human bein'.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. SALT AND PEPPER FACTORY - FOREMAN

explaining Tony's job to a new worker, Pee Wee... the black midget. Bugsy looks at the clock; the time is 12: 10.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRONT OF PLAYGROUND - DAY - TONY

Strolling down the street licking an ice cream cone. He passes the neighborhood kids playing basketball.

KID 1

Hey, Tony! Just gettin' up?

KID 2

Yeah! She must of been a real

“hot one” last night, huh, Ton?

TONY

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

I spent da evenin' readin' a book.

(smirk, smirk)

He continues on his way.

KID 1

Gee, I wonder what got into Tony?

KID 2

Maybe he dropped acid!

CUT TO

INT. SALT AND PEPPER FACTORY - FOREMAN

Taking a little round pill with a glass of water. Pee Wee is working in Tony's spot, feeling very much at home.

PEE WEE

(yapping)

Dis is much better den workin' fo' tips.

I'll tell ya that much. Why just last

Night da craziest lookin' mother

I'd ever seen flipped me a penny

and wanted to see my green card!

WORKER 1

Green card!

(to Konway)

Hey, Konway, this midget's as bad as Clifton.

KONWAY

(assured)

No one's as bad as Clifton!

(smiles at Pee Wee)

Just then we hear a commotion coming from the back of the plant.

PEE WEE

(popping eyes)

I can't believe my poppin' eyes!

We see Tony strutting confidently down the aisle.

KONWAY

Clifton!

FOREMAN

(running to Tony)

Clifton, you're fired!

TONY

Fired?

(spots Pee Wee)

Hey! What's he doin' here?

PEE WEE

Your job! You've been dumped, chump!

TONY

Dis guy's an illegal alien.

He doesn't even have a green card.

FOREMAN

Tony, in case you haven't been

listening... you're four hours

late... you're fired.

TONY

Fired, huh? Well, well, well. It just

so happens I came back to tell you...

I don't need dis job anymore. I quit.

Some of the workers applaud.

BUGSY

Quit! Gee, Ton, what didja win,

Da sweepstakes?

TONY

Somethin' just as good, Bugsy.

Last night I made two discoveries

Dat changed my life. The first

Is my own personal secret.

(smirk, smirk)

The second is dat for da first time

I was made aware of a rare talent

dat I possess. I... am a singer of songs.

KONWAY

Oh, Christ!

TONY

And I have decided ta embark

On a singin' career.

PEE WEE

Ya better embark...

you ain't gettin' dis job back!

TONY

No cracks from da peanut gallery.

The next time you're gonna see dis face,

It's gonna be on television.

FOREMAN

(unimpressed)

Wonderful, Tony.

I'm happy for you.

Could you leave now?

TONY

I'm leavin', I'm leavin.

(not leaving)

I'll probably have my own TV show...

Record albums, “Tony Sings Just To You”.

BUGSY

I'll buy one, Tony!

AUNTY DEB

I'll buy two, and give one to Konway here.

FOREMAN

(to Bugsy and Aunty Deb)

Both of you back to work!

Or I'll can you, too!

TONY

Okay, okay, take it easy...

I'm leavin'. As a matter of fact,

You will never see my face in

Dis place again and that's a promise.

Some workers applaud. He leaves... he returns.

TONY

And another thing. When I play Vegas, none a

Ya except for Bugsy and Aunty Deb are gettin' in.

More workers boo. He leaves... he returns.

TONY

I just wanna say one last thing,

If I may. Thank you and good night.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

“HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA”

Is supered on the screen.

INT. IMPROVISATION CLUB

The well-known Hollywood night spot, considered the granddaddy of the comedy showcase. The joint's jammed. On stage a stand-up comedian is plying his trade... in the kitchen so is the cook.

INT. IMPROVISATION - KITCHEN - ZMUDA

The cook, is slapping hamburgers onto a grill. A Waitress stomps in and throws down her checkbook.

ZMUDA

What's wrong?

WAITRESS

(ready to crack)

This idiot customer is busting my chops.

ZMUDA

(matter of factly)

So bust his.

WAITRESS

Sure, and get myself fired!

ZMUDA

Not fired, just a little revenge.

What's his order?

WAITRESS

Cheeseburger, medium rare, lettuce,

tomato and mayo. What an asshole!

ZMUDA

Take it easy. All right, let's see.

Zmuda serves up a cheeseburger and places it on a bun.

ZMUDA

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