Cheeseburger, medium rare. Lettuce.

(adds lettuce)

Tomato...

(adds tomato)

Mayo...

(adds mayo)

And now... revenge.

Zmuda makes a “hocking” sound in his throat and spits directly on the burger. He plops a bun on top, slides it onto a plate and hands it to the Waitress. She stares back in disbelief... soon the shock fades. She picks up the violated entree, smiles and breezes out the swinging kitchen doors. A few beats go by and then in pops the face of Foreign Man.

FOREIGN MAN

(to Zmuda)

Excuse me, pleeze... is dis dee kitchen?

ZMUDA

Who the hell are you?

Foreign Man enters the room carrying a suitcase.

FOREIGN MAN

Dee boss... he tell me... I am to go on dee

Stage next and I should wait in dee kitchen.

ZMUDA

Oh, he did, did he?

(getting mad)

Well, I don't like anybody in my

Kitchen. As a matter of fact, I'm

gonna take this butcher knife here...

Zmuda picks up a butcher knife and threateningly walks toward Foreign Man.

ZMUDA

... and cut off...

... your FUCKING HEAD!!!

Foreign Man, terrified, cringes in the corner. Just then Budd Friedman, the emcee/proprietor, enters. Zmuda abruptly turns away, concealing the knife.

BUDD

(to Foreign Man)

You're next, kid.

CUT TO

INT. IMPROVISATION CLUB - THE STAGE - FOREIGN MAN

Is performing.

FOREIGN MAN

For my next impression,

I'd like to do dee Archie Bunker.

He turns his back to us but when he turns back around, he looks and sounds exactly the same.

FOREIGN MAN

You meathead! Get out of dee chair.

You dingbat! Get back in dee kitchen

and fix me dee food... everybody is stupid.

(bowing)

Dank you veddy much.

The audience breaks up.

FOREIGN MAN

And now, I'd like to do dee last,

But not to be dee least, dee Elvis Presley.

The band vamps as Foreign Man turns around once more. He puts on an Elvis jacket, combs his hair and straps on a guitar. When he turns back around the metamorphose is complete. He IS the King of Rock and Roll. He approaches the mike and this time speaks in an exact Presley dialect.

ELVIS

Thank you very much.

Audience goes crazy.

ELVIS

The first song I ever recorded...

I think it was in 1921...

Audience laughs, Elvis smiles.

ELVIS

I was walkin' down the street in

my home town of Tupelo, Mississippo...

and I passed this record store...

There was a sign in the window that

said, “make your own record for $2.95”.

So I did... like I said, it was the first

Song I ever recorded and I made it

For my moma as a birthday present

And it went something like this.

The stage lights dim and the band starts to play.

ELVIS

(singing)

“When you find your sweetheart in

The arms of your best friend, that's

When your heartaches begin.

You see that love's a thing that you

Never can share, when you bring a

friend into your love affair.”

A few women in the audience scream and swoon. At the end of the number, Elvis receives a standing ovation and leaves.

CUT TO

INT. IMPROVISATION - KITCHEN

Andy enters. We can still hear the audience applauding.

ANDY

(routinely; to Zmuda)

So, what did you think?

ZMUDA

The ballad is definitely stronger

Budd enters with George Shapiro.

BUDD

Andy, I want you to meet somebody.

This is George Shapiro.

ANDY

(shaking hands with George)

Hello.

GEORGE

First of all, I just want to say that I

thought you were great! I really did.

ANDY

Oh, thank you.

BUDD

George manages talent, Andy.

ANDY

Oh! This is my friend, Bob Zmuda.

He writes some of my material.

Zmuda wipes his hand off on a towel and shakes with George.

GEORGE

Oh, yeah?

ZMUDA

Just the stuff that works.

GEORGE

Well, it was just terrific... I'm very

Impressed. But let me get right to the

Point. Andy, there's a part in a new

 sitcom that ABC is trying to cast, and I

 think you'd be just perfect. If it's all right

With you, I'd like to set up an audition.

ANDY

You mean it? Wow!

BUDD

Well, say thank you to the man.

ANDY

(to George)

Thank you.

GEORGE

My pleasure. Listen, I have to get

back to my table... here's my card.

(hands him card)

Call me first thing in the morning.

(shakes again with Andy)

Thank you,. you made my night...

Bob, nice meeting you.

ZMUDA

You too, George.

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