Read the text to find out some psychological tips that can help partners keep up proper relationship.

 

I’m your Equal, Partner!

is your relationship out of balance?  Scared to stick up for yourself? It's time for a change

Does he boss you around? Take control? Make decisions which affect you without asking your opinion?

If so, and it's beginning to make you resentful, it's time you showed some initiative and steered your relationship on to a more equal footing.

Like many women, it could be that you're afraid of asserting your needs, desires and feelings for fear of sparking a row, bruising his ego or losing him.

So you keep quiet and suffer his annoying, overbearing habits – the way he interrupts you before you've finished speaking, assumes if you're going out together he'll be driving…

Yet sticking up for yourself needn't mean upsetting him to such an extent  that his affection for you wanes. Quite the opposite – a more balanced relationship should bring you closer.

Deciding what to say and finding the right words can be difficult. But the following Five R's formula will show you how to take more initiative without damag­ing your relationship.

Reflect

Before you do anything, think about what you want to say, particularly if you want to criticise him. It's tempting to believe the best way to change behaviour is through coercion – grabbing the car keys, refusing to wash his socks, shouting at the top of your voice if he tries to interrupt you. Yet any approach based on force is likely to fail as he'll resent your sudden forcefulness. Your purpose isn't to show him he isn't perfect, but to educate him and get your relationship on to an equal footing. Keep this motive at the back of your mind and it'll prevent you from making hasty comments you might regret later.

Report

Once you have sorted out your motives it's time for reporting – that is, telling him exactly what is bothering you. Be specific and avoid generalisations like "You always..."

Instead, describe actual events, such as: "You remember last night when your friend asked me a question? You answered on my behalf. . . and that made me feel small and insignificant."

This is important because if you charge in with very general criticism, he is going to feel attacked, very defensive and, yes, you may well find yourself rowing.

Relate

Now, tell him how his behaviour affects you by saying "I feel..." and then naming whatever feelings you experience. Don't focus on your bad feelings, just concentrate on the effects of his actions. For example, saying "I think your behaviour and my reaction to it is worsening our relation­ship," is better than "I think you're really selfish, dogmatic and bombastic and it makes me angry".

Request

Ask for things you would like to be changed. Remem­ber you have the right to ask for whatever you want from someone, and they have exactly the same right to say "yes" or "no".

Don't fall into the "mind-reading" trap believing, if he really loves you, he'll know instinctively what you want without asking.

If you ask directly, he may give you what you want and, if he refuses, at least you know where you stand.

Avoid demanding. People often resist demands, not because the demand is unreasonable, but because no one likes to be pushed around. "I'd prefer it if you let me finish” is better than "Shut up and stop interrupting me".

Result

Spell out the positive conse­quences you foresee if he changes his behaviour, otherwise he may think you're just being bossy.

Avoid saying: "Don't ever take the car again without asking me if I need it". Instead, say: "Mum was really looking forward to seeing me today, but I couldn't visit her because you had the car. Can you let me know when you're planning to use it?"

To show you're not simply trying to manipulate him, always round off with something like: "I'm glad we've cleared the air. It's made me feel much happier".

So next time you want to take the initiative, follow the Five R's. They'll help you communicate and stop you being bossed around.

Sheila Dainow Readers’ Digest, 2004

 

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