Don't Say No till You Know What You're Saying No to

As we mentioned before, when we commit to a goal, the methods to achieve that goal will appear. When the methods do appear, they may not be (and seldom are) dressed in familiar garb.

Many people are in the habit of saying "no" to all new experiences. Part of this, of course, is the comfort zone — "It's new, so don't do it."

Alas, saying no to something before we know what we're saying no to has a rather nasty name — one that no one likes to hear applied to themselves. That word is prejudice. It means, of course, to pre-judge something. Human beings do it all the time. How many opinions do you have of people you have never even met? Oh, you may not know them personally, but your opinions are accurate because you read about them in the papers. That's very different, then. (Uh-huh.)

We've had the chance to meet a number of famous people whom we initially "knew" only through the media. Many of them lived up to (or down to) their reputations. Others did not. Some people who had "bad reps" in the press were, in fact, delightful. (As Hedda Hopper said, "Nobody's interested in sweetness and light.") Others, who are known to be magnificent individuals, were, in fact, monsters.

Many people say no because they don't want to know. "The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of an eye;" wrote Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., "the more light you pour upon it, the more it will contract." We, of course, recommend becoming a pupil of light; a pupil of life.

"My mind is made up," the old saying goes, "don't try and confuse me with the facts." The answer to this comes from Aldous Huxley, "Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." William S. Burroughs gave the tendency to make up our minds before we have enough information an even more severe interpretation: "A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on."

If something presents itself to you, and you don't know enough about it to really decide if it might help you achieve your goal, don't say no — find out more. How do we find out more? By asking, doing, listening — in short, by getting involved; experiencing.

As you may have gathered by now, our advice on new opportunities is: if it's not going to physically harm you, and it might be helpful on the path to your Dream — try it. Other than the comfort zone's control of your life, what have you got to lose?

Another reason people don't even want to hear about new opportunities is that people are afraid to say no — especially after they've "gotten to know someone." It's the old don't-say-no-to-people-you-know-but-do-say-no-to-people-you-don't-know rule. It's a rule perpetrated by the people we know — for obvious reasons. ("Why are you giving your money to this charity to save eagles when your own brother needs new carpeting?")

This phenomenon was described by the great philosopher Gypsy Rose Lee: "She's descended from a long line her mother listened to." It's easier for most people to say no while the person offering the new experience is still a stranger.

No, we're not suggesting you listen to the spiel of every person who tries to sell you a flower at the airport. It is safe to assume that one besuited flower-seller will tell you about the same thing as any other. We are suggesting, however, that you listen to it once.

For things that are more clearly on your path, you might try them more than once. As Virgil Thomson — who thrived until his death at ninety-three — once said, "Try a thing you haven't done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time to figure out whether you like it or not." The other famous Virgil (the one who lived 70-19 B.C.) seemed to agree, "Fortune sides with him who dares."

Mr. Thomson has an excellent point. Doing something once will get us over the fear of doing it. That's fine, but, if it was a significant challenge to our comfort zone, it's not enough to feel free about it — there's still guilt to reckon with. Doing something three times, works through the fear of doing it, the fear of feeling guilty about doing it, and takes a good slice out of the guilt of doing it.

We are not free to choose to do a thing or not until it's fully within our comfort zone. "Freedom from something is not enough," observed Zechariah Chafee, Jr. "It should also be freedom for something."

The person who has never been to New York City — but has heard nasty things about it — is not free regarding New York City. The person who's been there once, and found some of the bad things people said were true, but discovered a lot of good things, too, is more free to choose to visit New York again. The person who's visited New York City often enough to feel comfortable there is completely free to choose to travel to New York or not.

After listening to people present whatever it is they have to present to you, then you can say no. You are not obligated to say yes just because you listened. You are only obligated if you committed to a certain course of action. Listening to information is not an agreement to do anything with the information. You may decide that the information is all very interesting, but it doesn't help you fulfill your dream. Say no, and be on your way. You may also find that you occasionally do something that is a complete waste of time. Oh, well. As someone once said, "Don't be afraid to go on an occasional wild goose chase. That's what wild geese are for." Or, to quote Flip Wilson, "You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine."

You may find, however, that the information is valuable. Remember that your goal-fulfillment system is working all the time — pulling experiences, lessons, information and people to you to help you fulfill your Dream. "Let your hook always be cast," Ovid said two thousand years ago. "In the pool where you least expect it, will be a fish."

The Value of Action

There are two primary benefits to action.

The first is obvious, although often overlooked: if we don't do something, we're not going to get anything. We will get "what comes our way," which may or may not be what we want. Even if what we want occasionally does come our way, we almost always have to do something to partake of it. As the bumper sticker says: "Action for Satisfaction."

The second benefit is one of those "hidden values," like excitement hiding as fear, or caring hiding as hurt: the value of action is that we make mistakes. Mistakes show us what we need to learn.

"They're not going to talk about mistakes again, are they?" some readers may moan. Yes, we are. It may be a mistake to, but we are.

Many people read about the value of mistakes, say, "That makes sense," and then continue living their lives in the same avoid-mistakes-at-all-costs manner as before. They continue to play it safe, don't learn what they need to know, and then wonder why they're not closer to their Dream.

"Men stumble over the truth from time to time," Winston Churchill wrote, "but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened." That is a mistake.

Mistakes show us what we need to learn. They indicate what we must study in order to have success. This "study" might be finding out more information, or it might mean more practice of what we already know. Either way, when we make a mistake, it's a golden arrow saying, "Study this if you want success."

"From error to error," Freud said, "one discovers the entire truth."

When people aren't ready to welcome mistakes as the great aids to education that they are, people deny them. Instead of looking for mistakes so that they can learn more and do better, people ignore, filter, and flat-out deny mistakes altogether.

This, of course, is another mistake.

All great people review their actions — even those actions that led to success — and ask themselves, "How could I have done this better." It's known as critical thinking. We criticize our behavior so that we can do better next time.

Most people, however, improperly use their critical ability — they use it to find reasons for why they should give up. "I did so many things wrong. Why should I bother trying? I quit."

Of course we're going to do things wrong. We should be grateful that we have the ability to recognize them. The mediocre never know what isn't quite right. They're satisfied with any old thing, and that's precisely what they wind up with.

You'll get a chance to do better next time. As long as you're actively involved in pursuing your goal, there will always be a next time. If you're moving toward your Dream, opportunity doesn't just knock once — it will knock you down.

The process of learning can be given in four steps:

1. Act.

2. Look for the mistakes (criticize).

3. Learn how to do it better next time.

4. Go to 1.

Let Go of Distractions

Distractions do not bring satisfaction. What are distractions? Anything not on the way to our goal that consumes our time, thoughts or emotional energy is a distraction.

There are the obvious distractions — the physical bad habits and addictions that people know are bad for them. There are the more subtle distractions — such as the habit of always focusing on the negative. (For lots more about this, and suggestions on how to overcome it, please read You Can't Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought.) Then there are the distractions that appear to be wonderful things — virtues, even — but are distractions, nonetheless.

This latter category is the most tricky. These are actions that are indisputably good for you and/or are good for other people, but are not directly on the path to your goal. You could win a Nobel Prize for your charitable work, and, if your Dream were to be a pro golfer, all the charity work would, in fact, be a distraction.

Imagine that you are walking along a path. At the end of the path is your Dream. The way is clear, the goal is in sight. All you have to do is keep walking on your path till you reach your Dream.

Along the way, however, lining the path on either side, are distractions. It's their job to test you — to see if your goal is really the goal you want; to see if you are worthy of your Dream. The distractions can do anything they want to tempt you off your path: offer sex, food, fame, power, success in an area not part of your Dream, recognition, easy money — anything. What they cannot do is get on your path and stop you. Leaving the path is always your choice.

Choose to pursue your Dream. Follow your path.

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