THE THIRD KIND OF HELPING: INTERACTION

Until now you were either saying back the other per­son's feelings (the first kind) or giving your feelings and ideas about the other person's feelings (the sec­ond). Up to now it was all about helping the other per­son. Now we come to your feelings. This section is as much for you as for helping the other person. Ideally, both can profit equally.

Our feelings, when we are with others, are often about those others. And yet they are our own feelings. We often feel like blaming the other person for our feel­ings: "I feel that you're very defensive." "I feel that you're manipulating me." "I feel angry because you always interrupt me." "I feel disappointed because you don't feel any bet­ter."

In these examples we express our feelings by saying that the other person is no good, behaves badly, or is the reason for our feelings. To express our feelings in a more useful way we must focus into them and get in touch with what's in us. These feelings will still relate to what the other person did, but they will be strictly our feelings and not the other person's burden. For ex­ample:

"It's always hard for me to keep a train of thought, or keep feeling it's worth saying. So when you interrupt me, it hits my weak spot. I get so I can't make room for myself to say things to you. That's why it makes me angry.

"I have sort of a stake in being a big help to people. I guess I'm disappointed that you're not feeling better. I do care about you too, but I see that my disappoint­ment is my own thing. I need to be Big Helper."

How to express yourself. From a given moment of interaction you can move either into the other person or into yourself. For example, let's say you are with a woman who has done something to upset you. You can go from this into what she did and what she is like and why she did it. Or you can go into what you are like and how it upsets you.

Don't do the first. Leave that to the other person. Do the second: move from the bit of interaction into your own feelings. See why it affected you and share this.

It is hard for people to hear you say what's wrong with them. It is easy to listen to you saying what's wrong with you, or what is at any rate vulnerable or upsettable or shaky in you. Avoid making comments that start, "I feel that you" You're invading the other's territory and protecting yours.

Sharing what is happening in you makes the interac­tion more open and personal. The other person can then feel comfortable about sharing inner things with you.

Don't say:

"I have to express my feelings. Can I trust you with it? I feel you bully me."

Do say:

"I get angry and upset when I can't get to finish what I started to say. I lose track. I get insecure about wheth­er I have any real ideas."

It is essential to be specific in expressing yourself. Avoid generalities. It is still a rebuke to a person to be told he or she made you upset. It is not real sharing when you share only a generality. But if you share some of the specifics actually going on in you—your unique felt sense of the situation—you share yourself. You can find these specifics by focusing at that moment.

Be ready to stand it if what you share is ignored. The other person may not be able to meet you immediately, may still be in some private anger or withdrawal, and may lag behind you in being open. The person may have to say angry things once or twice more, or laugh derisively. Your openness will be apparent, but the per­son may be unable to meet it. So don't expect imme­diate warm receptiveness as feedback. If you feel shaky, wait until what you say can stand on its own, whatever the other's reaction.

It is better to say, 'Tm mad," than to say angry things and let your anger be seen indirectly. Saying your feeling directly lets it be shared.

If the first words that come to you feel hard to say, don't fight with yourself. Wait a few moments and let another string of words form. Do this till you get words that feel OK to say. Don't give up whatever needs ex­pressing.

Focus directly on what you most fear, or what you find yourself struggling with. If what the other person says makes you uptight, pay attention to what you're afraid is being said and what you're afraid that means. Then say the crux of what you find inside.

We often work desperately on the surface of what we feel, or how we've just reacted, trying to fix it or make it be something else. But it is easy to let the real feeling speak directly.

Examples:

"That hurts my feelings." "I'm hurt that you're angry." "That makes me feel pushed away." "I feel outmaneuvered." "I'm stuck."

Say explicitly the covert things that go on in interac­tion, and say how you feel about them. Often things are happening that both of you can feel, but that both hope aren't being noticed.

For example, the other person might be pressuring you, and you might be trying to avoid being pushed into something while trying not to let on that you are resist­ing. Or you might have done something stupid or wrong, and you might be trying to recoup without that error being acknowledged, trying to make it be something other than it was.

When things like this have really occurred, saying them gets things unstuck. Not saying them keeps the interaction stuck.

Talk about it if you did something and now wish you hadn't. It may seem too late, but it's never too late to get the interaction unstuck.

Examples:

"I feel stupid about getting mad and yelling."

"Back a while ago, you said... and I said yes. I was too chicken to say no. I was afraid of fighting it out with you."

What feels impossible to face up to often provides a special opportunity to become closer to someone.

К nothing is happening and you wish something would—even if it seems that not much is going on in you—focus. There are always many things going on there, and some of them belong with the interaction with this person. Express them.

When you are being pushed too far, call a halt, set a limit. Do this before you blow up or get mad. Protect the other person from what happens when you don't take care of your needs. Say what you want or don't want, while you still have the time and concern to stay and hear what it means to the other person.

For example:

"I like it that I'm helpful when you call me up, but now it's happening too often. So instead of feeling good about it, like I used to, I feel pushed. I'd like to feel good about your calling. If I knew you'd call only twice a week, I know I'd like it again."

You are not trying to get rid of the person. You make the limits firm, so that within those limits you can feel good about the person again.

Having set these limits, you would stay to hear how the other person feels about them.

If you are sitting with a silent person, say something like, "I'll just sit here and keep you company." Relax. Show that you can maintain yourself on your own with­out needing to be dealt with. In such a silence, if it's long, you will have many chains of feelings, some of which you can express (every few minutes, perhaps).

Do not tell feelings you haven't got and only wish you had. Tell anything valuable you do have. If you find it painful to be honest, realize that other people don't care how good or wise or beautiful you are. Only you care all that much. It is not harmful to the other person if you look stupid or imperfect.

What is true is already so. Owning up to it doesn't make it worse. Not being open about it doesn't make it go away. And because it's true, it is what is there to be interacted with. Anything untrue isn't there to be lived. People can stand what is true, for they are already en­during it.

When not to express yourself.  Be silent when people are focusing or talking about their concerns, or might if you made room. Delay articulating your side. People can almost always hear you better if they are heard first, and get in touch with where they are first. Also, as the other person does this, it may change what you feel without your saying anything. It might be hard to let the other person go first. But if the other person is full of unclear and upsetting feelings, you might not be heard unless you wait.

И you are very upset, and if the interaction isn't al­ready a trusting one, wait a few moments before ex­pressing yourself. As you calm down you can sift your feelings better. Also they are easier for the other person to experience if it seems clear that you aren't being wiped out by what you feel.

Don't express yourself immediately if you are con­fused about what you feel, and will only skit your deep­est feelings. Focus to learn what they are.

When to express yourself. Express yourself when you want to make a relationship closer.

Or when you are being "twisted out of your own shape" in some way. For instance, speak up if the per­son is implying that you feel some way you don't really feel. Then listen again. It is all right if the person doesn't believe you if you have been heard. Don't argue.

Also express yourself when the other person needs to hear more from you to feel at ease about you, or has misconstrued one of your reactions. Say openly how it is with you. Don't let the other try to relate to what you really were not feeling. Even though it may be easier for you to remain unseen, misunderstood, and unap­proachable, no interaction is possible if you do.

When you are in a group and nothing is happening, express something about yourself. This opens things up for others to express themselves. Give them something personal and meaningful from within you.

When the other person isn't up to relating with you, it may help if you just freely express anything about yourself. This way you don't have to be carried by the other's energy.

Express yourself when you are being idealized. Share some personal trouble or not-so-nice feeling you find in yourself.

Express yourself when the other person worries about having wounded or destroyed you. Give the specifics of how you do feel. Let it be seen that, although hurt or upset, you are not destroyed.

Express yourself when you just feel like it. There are two people here. You have equal rights. You may not always need to know why you feel like expressing your­self.

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