Assorted background noises

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BRIDGET

Right, right. Whoa-whoa, not too fast! Oh, I feel terrible!

ANNIE

Oh, poor Bridget, are you in pain?

BRIDGET

No, but what about the parties? I can’t go like this!

NICK

I could take you dancing!

BRIDGET

Ow!!

Christmas is cancelled!

Sound of cracker being pulled

NICK

Hey, hee-hee-hee!

HECTOR

Is that it?

NICK

Yeah, crackers are great!

HECTOR

So, what else do you have at Christmas?

NICK

Oh, turkey, Christmas pudding, mince pies.

HECTOR

Mince pies.

How do you make them?

NICK

Oh, it’s just pastry and mincemeat.

HECTOR

Mince meat?

NICK

Yeah, it’s traditional, it’s sultanas, raisins and spices. It’s mince …

HECTOR

… Meat.

NICK

Yeah, ah-hah … Hey, listen to this, what do you get if you cross a chicken with a clock?

HECTOR

I don’t know.

NICK

An alarm cluck!

An alarm cluck! Ha-ha!

HECTOR

I don’t get it.

NICK

An alarm cluck! Cluck-cluck-cluck, one a cluck, two a cluck, cluck-cluck-cluck!

HECTOR

A clock?!

Christmas music

ANNIE [Composing email]

Oh, I love Christmas. Mince pies, mistletoe.

HECTOR

Mistle-toe?

ANNIE

It’s an English tradition, when you stand under it, you can kiss someone.

ANNIE [Composing email]

Poor Nick is having a difficult time playing Father Christmas.

NICK

I was holding this baby – coo-goo-goo-goo, when suddenly … !

ANNIE [Composing email]

Those naughty children! He-he-he!

BRIDGET [Composing email]

I hate Christmas! I had so many exciting parties to go to.

BRIDGET

It’s so difficult being so popular.

BRIDGET [Composing email]

But stupid Nick left his stupid sleigh in the hall.

NICK

Oh, my sleigh! I forgot!

BRIDGET [Composing email]

I fell over it and broke my leg!

Crashing noise/scream

Christmas music

HECTOR

Boom-dikka-ding-boom-ding-ding-ding – right, mince pies!

First, the pastry! And now the minced meat from the best butcher!

Christmas music

HECTOR

Mmm, they smell good, don’t they Charley.

Sound of door opening/closing

ANNIE

Phew! Well I’ve finished all my Christmas shopping.

HECTOR

Oh madam! Refreshment? Mince pie?

ANNIE

Mince pies? Oh Hector, you are clever.

HECTOR

I followed the rec-eep.

ANNIE

… ‘p’.

HECTOR

Mince ‘p’?

ANNIE

No, no, no. Rec-ipe.

HECTOR

Oh, rec-ipe.

ANNIE

Mmm.

HECTOR

Hmm.

ANNIE

Umm.

HECTOR

Good choice, madam. Merry Christmas!

ANNIE

Yuk!!

HECTOR

Something wrong?

ANNIE

It’s dal-icious, delicious ahm. Erm, you know, Hector, Christmas is all about sharing. Erm, would you like some, Charley?

ANNIE & HECTOR

Hmm/Mmm/Umm.

ANNIE

Hey, it’s Saint Nicholas!

NICK

Oh!

HECTOR

Nick, what happened to your beard?

NICK

Ah, one Christmas candle, one small child – woomph!

Laughter

NICK

Hey, mince pies, yummy, yeah!

HECTOR

With best mince from the best butcher. Mmm.

ANNIE

Erm, Hector.

HECTOR

Hmm?

ANNIE

What did you put in the pies?

HECTOR

Mince meat – from the best butcher.

ANNIE

This is mincemeat. This is minced meat.

HECTOR

Isn’t it the same thing?

ANNIE

Not quite.

NICK

Ha-ha! Delicious!

ANNIE

Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s make this a special Christmas, just for Bridget.

Sound of knocking on door/Christmas music

MALE NURSE

Night-night.

ANNIE

Hey Bridget, do you want to come carol singing?

HECTOR

Who is Carol?

ANNIE

Carols are Christmas songs. You knock on people’s doors and sing to them for money.

NICK

Let’s do it! Hmm!

ANNIE

For charity!

For poor little children.

NICK

Huh!

ANNIE

Some children have no Christmas.

BRIDGET

Just like me.

ANNIE

And your job as Santa Claus is so important.

You help children to believe in Christmas!

NICK

Yes, you’re right, Annie, I do.

My job is important! I help children to believe!!

Christmas music

ANNIE

Right, let’s go!

BRIDGET

I’ll go, only if we can sing Abba songs.

HECTOR

And that will make you happy? Here, have a mince pie.

BRIDGET

Oh, all right.

Christmas music

BRIDGET

Ugh!