EXT. DEEP AND DARKEST AFRICA

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THE

TONY CLIFTON

STORY

Second Draft Screenplay

ANDY KAUFMAN

BOB ZMUDA

January 1, 1980

PRODUCERS

George Shapiro

Howard West

Transcribed by

DON ALEX HIXX

SUBTERRANEAN CINEMA

http: //www.subcin.com

THE TONY CLIFTON STORY

FADE IN

EXT. DEEP AND DARKEST AFRICA

We see the war of the wind as it wrestles against the forest. The weakness of the tree, the strength of the bush. We hear the persistent beat of the drum as it draws us deeper and deeper into the pulsating heart of the jungle.

“CONGO - THE PRESENT” is supered on the screen.

EXT. CANNIBAL VILLAGE

Made up of thatched huts and weathered reminders of lost aircraft. We see the inhabitants of this village -- totally uncivilized black savages. Ubangi lips, bones through noses and carved faces. A ritual is taking place. A huge pot of water is being heated. Skulls impaled upon lances, some still wearing aviation goggles, stare piteously down upon the occasion. Just now, a wild enticing dance is taking place. Bodies are sweating. The water begins to boil.

TRIBAL DANCERS

Are in a hypnotic frenzy. The dance is building to a crescendo. It is suddenly cut short by the Chief Headhunter, who looks up into the sky, sensing something before we do.

CHIEF HEADHUNTER

Ola Mu Ta.

Immediately the tribesmen cease their dance and look upward.

CHIEF HEADHUNTER

(pointing up)

Ola Mu Ta.

The magic has worked. Soon we hear the distant sound of an airplane, its engines failing, followed by the fall to earth and the crash. The savages let out a bloodcurdling scream and dash for the crash sight.

CRASH SIGHT

Pieces of a small cargo plane strewn throughout the jungle. The pilot is dead. Like hungry birds of prey, the tribe tears through the debris looking for other less fortunate victims. One savage spots what appears to be an arm sticking out from under some twisted metal. Excitedly he pulls at it, releasing a life-size cut-out of Frank Sinatra.

SPLINTERED CRATE - SHIPPING PANEL

It reads: “RECORD PROMOTION - LICORICE PIZZA, ZAIRE, AFRICA.” Camera opens up to reveal scattered record albums, tape recorders, cassette tapes, etc.

A NATIVE

Quizzically studying a Frank Sinatra album as if it were some sort of strange new fruit. He unpeels the cover, revealing a shiny black disc; he sniffs it and ever so gently puts it to his ear. Finally, he takes a bite and spits it out in disgust.

CHIEF HEADHUNTER

ravaging through debris. Something captures his attention... a Sony tape recorder that is bent ridiculously out of shape. He picks it up, looks at it from every angle, licks it -- not edible. He throws it down, and in doing so the playback switch flips on. Immediately the jungle is filled with the voice of Frank Sinatra.

SINATRA'S VOICE

“Strangers in the night... exchanging

glances, wond'ring in the night...

what were the chances...”

All the natives hit the deck. The whole jungle is cast into silence as Old Blue Eyes tells it like it is.

SINATRA'S VOICE

“We'd be sharing love...

before the night was through...”

As the natives lie there petrified, our camera pans up through the trees into the clouds. TITLES OVER:

SINATRA'S VOICE

“Something in your eyes... was so

inviting, something in your smile...

was so exciting... something in my

heart... told me I must have you...

Strangers in the night...

two lonely people we were...

Strangers in the night...

up to the moment when we said our

first hello... Little did we know,

love was just a glance away, a warm

embracing dance away and...”

We travel from the jungles of Africa to the jungles of South Philadelphia. Dawn is breaking.

SINATRA'S VOICE

“Ever since that night... we've been

together, lovers at first sight...

In love forever. It turned out so

right... for strangers in the night.”

EXT. LOW INCOME DISTRICT - MORNING

As the do-be-do-be-doo's fade to an end, our camera closes in on an open second-story window. Faded curtains wave in the breeze as the camera moves into the room. We see a TV that has been left on all night with a test pattern that is not quite holding vertical. Then we see a nightstand; on it is an ashtray overflowing with burned out Lucky Strikes. Also a newspaper, with headlines: “ILLEGAL ALIENS ENTERING COUNTRY -- POLICE CHECKING FOR GREEN CARDS.” A black toupee sits on a headstand next to an autographed picture of Frank Sinatra. The signature looks as if a child had written it. All this belongs to a baldheaded figure who is lying in bed talking in his sleep.

TONY

MICKEY CLOCK

Good morning, Mousekateers!

Time to wake up! Brush your teeth.

Have a nice day.

TONY

Getcha hands off me.

MICKEY CLOCK

Good morning, Mousekateers!

Time to wake up! Brush your teeth.

Have a nice day.

TONY

Come on, give me a break...

I'm sleepin' here.

MICKEY CLOCK

Good morning, Mousekateers!

Time to wake up! Brush your teeth.

TONY

Don't gimme that crap... I'll push

MICKEY CLOCK

Comb your hair.

It stops. Tony is half awake. For the other half to rise, he needs a cigarette. He reaches for the Lucky Strike pack. Empty. More moans. Next he fiddles for his wig and places it on his head. He gets up out of bed.

TONY

Where's a cigarette?

I gotta have a cigarette.

KID 1

Yeah, so's your old man.

KID 2

Hey, cool it. Tony's up.

KID 3

Five will get you ten

He bums a cigarette.

KID 2

(yelling up to Tony)

Hey, Tony, how you doin'?

TONY

Yeah, yeah. Please, please.

How ya doin', how ya doin'.

Listen, does anybody have

A cigarette on 'em?

KID 2

(throwing Tony a cig)

Sure, Ton! ...

TONY

(coming to life)

How ya doin'! How ya doin'!

KID 1

(to other kids)

Who's Sophia Loren?

KID 2

Tony, I don't know how

You do it every night.

TONY

I'll tell ya, it's all in da foreplay...

TONY

SLOW DISSOLVE

INT. SALT & PEPPER SHAKER PLANT - ASSEMBLY LINE - WORKERS

Busy on the line. As the camera pans their faces, we see bleak expressions mirroring the monotony of their jobs. We end on Tony, screwing the tops on salt and pepper shakers as they go by on a conveyor belt. Next to him is Bugsy Meyer, Tony's pal.

TONY

(bragging)

BUGSY

Two of 'em, wow!

TONY

That's right, two of em...

Just like a ham sandwich.

BUGSY

Gee.

CUT TO

KONWAY

(taking toothpick out of mouth)

AUNTY DEB

KONWAY

TONY

KONWAY

(mockingly)

Two of 'em, just like a ham sandwich...

TONY

KONWAY

Bullshit!

TONY

(remembering the kids

That morning)

Yeah, so's your old man!

WORKER 1

Will you guys quit it...

The boss is gonna hear you.

TONY

KONWAY

Oh, yeah?

TONY

Yeah!

KONWAY

TONY

I'll tell ya how it looks.

KONWAY

Okay, tell me.

TONY

It looks just like a...

(stumped)

Ham sandwich.

KONWAY

TONY

BUGSY

Tony, take it easy.

TONY

He ain't tellin' me I've

Never seen how it looks.

KONWAY

(giving him the finger)

Get bent.

TONY

That's it, fella,

KONWAY

What are you talking about?

I didn't even touch you.

TONY

(rabid)

Or I'll call a cop.

KONWAY

You're wacko, man...

Nobody's even touching you.

TONY

Getcha hands off me.

CUT TO

FOREMAN

TONY

Getcha hands off me.

I'll call a cop.

WORKER 1

Now you guys've done it.

Here come the boss.

FOREMAN

BUGSY

Why nothin', Mr. Rathman.

KONWAY

With the stories again.

Now he's tellin' us he had

TONY

FOREMAN

About your screwin'.

TONY

(making no sense)

FOREMAN

(bewildered)

He leaves.

TONY

(to Bugsy)

TONY

(mumbling)

BUGSY

Take it easy, Tony. You heard the boss...

TONY

KONWAY

Watch it, Clifton,

TONY

WORKER 1

Will you guys stop already?

TONY

One a these days I'm gonna

walk right outta here!

KONWAY

TONY

It's a threat and a promise.

WORKER 1

BUGSY

Tony, please.

TONY

All right.

(aside to Bugsy)

Dere must be somethin' more

Y'know what I mean?

BUGSY

(trying to comprehend

what Tony just said)

Yeah....

(pause)

TONY

BUGSY

A disco? ... Those girls are a little

TONY

Da way I look at it Bugsy is...

BUGSY

(embarrassed)

Gee, Tony, I don't know.

TONY

BUGSY

TONY

CUT TO

INT. DISCOTHEQUE - LATER

Laser lighting, fog machines, vibrating dance floor. Couples are dancing to the latest disco hits. There's no one over 25 in the place. We hear the theme from “Saturday Night Fever” and at any moment we'd expect Travolta to walk in. Instead, Clifton appears. He's dressed to kill. Peach tuxedo with cumberbun. With him is an uncomfortable Bugsy.

BUGSY

TONY

Watch dis... I'm gonna show ya how it's done.

TONY

GIRL

Would I what?

TONY

GIRL

Get lost, asshole.

She leaves.

TONY

Tony struts back to Bugsy.

BUGSY

What did she say?

TONY

What did who say?

BUGSY

TONY

(whispering)

CUT TO

A FEW SECONDS LATER - TONY & BUGSY

TONY

I'd like ta make a toast.

(seriously)

To Frank and da boys.

BUGSY

Frank and the boys.

TONY

(smirk)

Get this one.

Polish parachute...

Opens on impact.

(smirk)

Polish firin' squad...

They stand in a circle.

(smirk)

TONY

Get a load a da bazookas on dat one!

BUGSY

Wow!

TONY

(getting up)

INT. BATHROOM - TONY

TONY

(yelling)

Is anybody here?

TONY

Hey, is anybody home?

Is anybody home... I need toilet paper.

WASHROOM VALET

PEE WEE

TONY

PEE WEE

Well, why din't ya say so?

TONY

I'm sayin' so.

PEE WEE

TONY

PEE WEE

(hands him toilet paper)

Okay, ya got it now.

TONY

If y'know what I mean.

PEE WEE

TONY

It's a joke. It's a joke.

Don't squeeze da Charmin.

It's from television.

TONY

Not too hard, not too hard,

You'll damage da threads.

PEE WEE

Ya need a little cologne?

TONY

Well, whatta ya got dere?

PEE WEE

TONY

Oh, yeah! What's it called?

PEE WEE

Purple Passion.

TONY

Purple Passion?

PEE WEE

Dere it is, right dere.

PEE WEE

TONY

Oh, yeah? Any girl I want, huh? ...

I don't need any help.

PEE WEE

I can see dat! I can see a man in yo' sitchation

don't need dis. But ya put just a little splash

a dis stuff on an' it makes it justa little bit easier.

TONY

Dat's right.. a little bit easier...

Make da girl enjoy it more.

PEE WEE

Dat's right, you got it.

TONY

Not that she's not gonna enjoy me in da first place.

PEE WEE

Oh no, not dat.

TONY

CLOSEUP - BOTTLE

PEE WEE

TONY

PEE WEE

TONY

Nine dollars!

PEE WEE

TONY

Like hotcakes, huh?

PEE WEE

All the way from Taiwan.

TONY

Taiwan, huh?

PEE WEE

Dat's right... dis stuff'll change yo' life.

TONY

Change my life, huh? ...

All right, I'll take it.

PEE WEE

I think you be puttin'

too much o' dat stuff on!

TONY

PEE WEE

I don't know what you mean.

TONY

PEE WEE

(interrupting)

TONY

Whatta ya talkin' about?

PEE WEE

Whatta ya think I'm talkin' about? I'm talkin'

TONY

Ya want a tip, huh?

PEE WEE

Dat's right.

TONY

Tell me, how much ya want?

PEE WEE

TONY

Whatever I wanna give ya?

PEE WEE

Dat's right.

TONY

How about a penny?

PEE WEE

A penny! I don't want no penny.

TONY

Here's a penny.

PEE WEE

(furious)

What? Get outta here!

TONY

Here. See if ya can catch

This one in your mouth.

(flips another coin)

PEE WEE

TONY

(authoritative)

By da way... I wanna see your green card.

PEE WEE

Green card! I don't need no green card.

On da plantation.

TONY

If y'know what I mean.

PEE WEE

I don't know what you mean!

You just get outta here!

TONY

Douses himself again with Purple Passion. We can actually see the fumes rising off his person. Tony makes his way through the crowd, which parts like the Red Sea to let him and his scent pass. He walks up to a Girl.

TONY

How ya doin', honey?

GIRL

You smell!

TONY

Well, well, well... what have we here.

TONY

(continuing anyway)

Kaboodle... kaboodle... sounds just like ah...

TONY

CUT TO

BUGSY

At the bar drinking.

BARTENDER

You want another one?

BUGSY

No thanks, one's plenty.

BUGSY

TONY

Well, I'm pleased ta report

BUGSY

No. Jesus! What's that smell?

TONY

My little secret.

(proud smirk)

Bugsy, tell me, what's that

Dance they're doin' dere?

BUGSY

TONY

The hustle! It looks more like da bustle ta me.

BUGSY

Tony, don't.

TONY

(yelling)

Stop da music... stop da music.

TONY

BOY 1

Get lost!

BOY 2

I think your prom date just left without you!

TONY

(twisting)

This is how it's done. Okay, okay, get your

TONY

I call da “Clifton Strut”.

INT. DISCO - LATER - CLOCK

TONY

Eatin' dis bowl a noodles.

BUGSY

We have to work tomorrow.

TONY

Whatta ya mean... da evenin's still young.

Lemme buy ya another drink.

BARTENDER

TONY

Whatta ya mean?

BARTENDER

You're gonna have to leave.

TONY

BARTENDER

TONY

Why didn't ya tell a guy?

BARTENDER

TONY

BARTENDER

You ain't nursing no drink.

TONY

BARTENDER

I didn't touch you.

TONY

The owner comes over.

OWNER

TONY

OWNER

BARTENDER

OWNER

TONY

Closed, huh? Okay, fine!

OWNER

Okay, fine. No problem.

If you just leave with your partner here...

TONY

OWNER

Fine, Mr. Clifton Esquire,

now if you would just...

TONY

BARTENDER

(pissed)

OWNER

(aside to Bartender)

TONY

Come on, Tony, let's go.

TONY

You will never see my face

around here again...

TONY

OWNER

(to Bartender)

TONY

What? Did I hear somethin'?

I'm waitin'... did I hear somethin'?

TONY

And another thing... I'm gonna tell da

OWNER

(to Bartender)

EXT. DISCO - NIGHT - BUGSY

Getting into a cab.

BUGSY

TONY

No, I think I'm gonna walk around a little...

BUGSY

Communicate her one for me.

TONY

(to driver)

I got your number.

(to Bugsy)

Take care, Bugs.

TONY

NORMAN

TONY

NORMAN

(by rote)

We have three different types...

The half hour, the hour,

TONY

What's da difference?

NORMAN

(puts down magazine)

TONY

Well just tell me,

NORMAN

(losing patience)

Third massage you get both.

TONY

What if I want a hot towel,

But I don't want a massage?

NORMAN

That's it. I've had enough.

TONY

Wait a minute...

NORMAN

TONY

More question, if I may.

(smirk)

Were you born or hatched?

TONY

It was a joke! ... Really. I was only kiddin',

it was just a joke! Just one last question,

NORMAN

(stepping out of booth)

TONY

NORMAN

(for the last time)

TONY

The “real thing”, huh?

NORMAN

Correct.

TONY

That sounds good ta me.

Could I see da girls first?

NORMAN

Get the fuck out of here!

The day you buy the deluxe

Is the day I become pope.

TONY

NORMAN

(money always does the trick)

TONY

Thank you, my good man.

NORMAN

TONY

(interrupting)

NORMAN

(agreeing)

That's right, X rated.

NORMAN

CUT TO

ANNA

(putting on coat)

All right, you guys...

Moma's got to go to work.

ANNA

Oh! Sorry guys, I almost forgot!

ANNA

Bye!

She walks out the door.

We see Anna just arriving.

ANNA

Hi, Norman!

NORMAN

Hello, baby. You're late.

ANNA

NORMAN

Yeah, yeah I know, the animals!

ANNA

NORMAN

Gas 'em.

ANNA

What's that?

NORMAN

TONY

(big ending)

“When I come home to you, San Francisco...

your golden light will shine on me.”

Girls applaud.

CANDY

Tony, that was wonderful!

TONY

Really! Ya think so?

CANDY

Really! I think you sounded

Just like Tony Bennett.

MARGO

(winking to Candy)

Oh, no! More like Frank Sinatra.

TONY

I sound like Frank?

MARGO

Better!

KITTY

TONY

Well, I've sorta been workin'

KITTY

TONY

Eighteen years.

CANDY

Eighteen years! You're being wasted

Have a singing career.

TONY

Oh, yeah! Ya think I could become big, huh?

CANDY

Sure! You could have records out.

TONY

(dreamlike)

Just like Frank!

Get a load of dis one.

(singing)

“I have often walked down

this street before.”

CANDY

Tony, we'd love to stay but

It's that time again and we

TONY

Oh! Well, here's some more money for ya.

TONY

(singing)

“I have often walked down this

CANDY

No back massage, nothin'.

CANDY

What's the matter?

ANNA

For my money, that's all.

CANDY

ANNA

The man's a customer and he

should get what he paid for!

CANDY

All right! Then you take him upstairs.

Walks in. Tony spots her.

TONY

Well, well, well... what have we here.

ANNA

My name is Anna.

TONY

You're a very pretty lady.

ANNA

You've spent enough.

TONY

Where's everybody goin'?

ANNA

TONY

Where are we goin'?

ANNA

Upstairs.

TONY

(nervous)

Wait... wait... wait a minute.

What... what are we doin' here?

Before we do anything,

ANNA

(undressing)

Tony sees her nude.

TONY

Wait... wait... wait a minute.

I wanna tell ya somethin'.

(staring down at his feet)

ANNA

Ssssh.

Together they descend to the bed as we:

SLOW FADE

MICKEY CLOCK

Good morning, Mousekateers!

Time to wake up! Brush your teeth.

Have a nice day.

CUT TO

Busy on the line. There is an empty space where Tony usually is. We see the Foreman pacing back and forth. Konway is picking his teeth with delight. Bugsy worriedly looks up at the clock. The time is 10: 17.

CUT TO

The street has taken on a new look. Merchants have replaced hookers. The sun is shining and birds are singing. Anna's car is in the same spot. Tony is just now leaving, obviously a changed man. He reaches for a cigarette, thinks twice and puts it back in the pack. He starts strolling down the street greeting each and every person he passes.

TONY

How ya doin'! Beautiful day,

isn't it. Top a da mornin' to ya!

TONY

Oh, look at that, look how cute!

KID 1

Hey, Tony! Just gettin' up?

KID 2

Yeah! She must of been a real

“hot one” last night, huh, Ton?

TONY

He continues on his way.

KID 1

KID 2

Maybe he dropped acid!

CUT TO

PEE WEE

(yapping)

WORKER 1

Green card!

(to Konway)

KONWAY

(assured)

No one's as bad as Clifton!

(smiles at Pee Wee)

PEE WEE

(popping eyes)

I can't believe my poppin' eyes!

KONWAY

Clifton!

FOREMAN

(running to Tony)

Clifton, you're fired!

TONY

Fired?

(spots Pee Wee)

Hey! What's he doin' here?

PEE WEE

Your job! You've been dumped, chump!

TONY

Dis guy's an illegal alien.

FOREMAN

TONY

BUGSY

Quit! Gee, Ton, what didja win,

Da sweepstakes?

TONY

Is my own personal secret.

(smirk, smirk)

KONWAY

Oh, Christ!

TONY

On a singin' career.

PEE WEE

Ya better embark...

you ain't gettin' dis job back!

TONY

FOREMAN

(unimpressed)

Wonderful, Tony.

I'm happy for you.

Could you leave now?

TONY

I'm leavin', I'm leavin.

(not leaving)

I'll probably have my own TV show...

BUGSY

I'll buy one, Tony!

AUNTY DEB

FOREMAN

(to Bugsy and Aunty Deb)

Both of you back to work!

Or I'll can you, too!

TONY

Okay, okay, take it easy...

TONY

FADE OUT

FADE IN

“HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA”

Is supered on the screen.

INT. IMPROVISATION CLUB

The well-known Hollywood night spot, considered the granddaddy of the comedy showcase. The joint's jammed. On stage a stand-up comedian is plying his trade... in the kitchen so is the cook.

ZMUDA

What's wrong?

WAITRESS

(ready to crack)

ZMUDA

(matter of factly)

So bust his.

WAITRESS

Sure, and get myself fired!

ZMUDA

What's his order?

WAITRESS

ZMUDA

FOREIGN MAN

(to Zmuda)

Excuse me, pleeze... is dis dee kitchen?

ZMUDA

Who the hell are you?

FOREIGN MAN

Dee boss... he tell me... I am to go on dee

ZMUDA

Oh, he did, did he?

(getting mad)

ZMUDA

... and cut off...

... your FUCKING HEAD!!!

BUDD

(to Foreign Man)

You're next, kid.

CUT TO

Is performing.

FOREIGN MAN

For my next impression,

FOREIGN MAN

You meathead! Get out of dee chair.

You dingbat! Get back in dee kitchen

and fix me dee food... everybody is stupid.

(bowing)

Dank you veddy much.

The audience breaks up.

FOREIGN MAN

The band vamps as Foreign Man turns around once more. He puts on an Elvis jacket, combs his hair and straps on a guitar. When he turns back around the metamorphose is complete. He IS the King of Rock and Roll. He approaches the mike and this time speaks in an exact Presley dialect.

ELVIS

Thank you very much.

Audience goes crazy.

ELVIS

The first song I ever recorded...

I think it was in 1921...

ELVIS

(singing)

“When you find your sweetheart in

When your heartaches begin.

CUT TO

ANDY

(routinely; to Zmuda)

So, what did you think?

ZMUDA

BUDD

This is George Shapiro.

ANDY

(shaking hands with George)

Hello.

GEORGE

ANDY

Oh, thank you.

BUDD

ANDY

Oh! This is my friend, Bob Zmuda.

GEORGE

Oh, yeah?

ZMUDA

Just the stuff that works.

GEORGE

Well, it was just terrific... I'm very

ANDY

You mean it? Wow!

BUDD

ANDY

(to George)

Thank you.

GEORGE

Bob, nice meeting you.

ZMUDA

You too, George.

ZMUDA

(whispers)

Kaufman nods.

ZMUDA

(tries to get

Kaufman out of it)

Come on, Kaufman, you can't

possibly still be serious about that!

(realizes Kauman is serious)

You are!!

(seriously)

ANDY

(intrigued)

You think so?

ZMUDA

Why not?

(presentational)

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

Tells us a true life story.

(applauds)

ANDY

ZMUDA

(helping him out)

ANDY

ZMUDA

Now, be serious.

ANDY

I am.

ANDY

CUT TO

We see a gym class of both boys and girls. Two team captains (both boys) are choosing players for a game of baseball. Little Andy Kaufman, along with two other boys and six girls, has yet to be chosen.

CAPTAIN 1

I'll take Mike.

CAPTAIN 2

I'll take... Paul, Paul Hollis.

CAPTAIN

I'll take... Mary Lou.

She walks over.

CAPTAIN

I'll take Peggy.

CAPTAIN 1

Carol.

CAPTAIN 2

Sue.

CAPTAIN 1

Ruth.

CAPTAIN 2

I'll take... Barbara.

PLAYER

That means we're stuck with Kaufman!

CAPTAIN 1

(threateningly)

Kaufman, you better not drop any balls!

CUT TO

LEFT FIELD - MOMENTS LATER

Where we see Little Andy talking to himself and totally oblivious to the game he's playing. A fly ball has been hit deep into left field. Eventually the shouts of his own teammates bring him around, but they're too late. The ball flies over his head. He runs after it. It rolls to a stop right at the feet of an adorable little girl. She reaches for it at the exact same moment Andy does. Their hands touch; she looks him in the eye and smiles.

ANDY (v.o.)

CUT TO

ANDY (v.o.)

That I loved her.

CUT TO

In bed, tears in his eyes.

ANDY (v.o.)

Fields to become famous in.

Playing the congas.

ANDY (v.o.)

It was the logical choice.

End flashback.

Mesmerized by the story.

ANDY

WAITRESS

Another cheeseburger... and guess who for?

(she smiles)

FADE OUT

FADE IN

“SIX MONTHS LATER”

Is supered on the screen.

INT. ”TAXI” SET

LATKA

(straight into camera)

Dank you veddy much.

DIRECTOR

All right, that's a rap!

DIRECTOR

Great show, Andy!

ANDY

Thank you! Thank you very much.

FAN

ANDY

Sure! Sure here you go. What's your name?

FAN

Mary.

ANDY

(signing autograph)

FAN

Why, thank you. I watch you

ANDY

INT. ANDY'S DRESSING ROOM

ANDY

Hey! Hi, George.

GEORGE

Hi! Terrific show!

ANDY

Thank you.

GEORGE

ANDY

Really!

GEORGE

ZMUDA

Things are looking up.

GEORGE

Next you'll play Macomb University...

And finally, Philadelphia.

ANDY

(excited)

Am I headlining?

GEORGE

ANDY

Really!!

GEORGE

ANDY

I do!?

GEORGE

(proud)

You see what six months

On a hit sitcom can do.

ANDY

Come in.

A Security Guard enters.

SECURITY GUARD

ANDY

To see me?

SECURITY GUARD

Yes, she says she went to

Grammar school with you.

Kaufman turns pale.

SECURITY GUARD

Her name is... Marilyn Comstack.

Zmuda picks right up on it.

ZMUDA

Andy, that's not?

ANDY

(stunned)

It's her.

GEORGE

Who?

ANDY

Marilyn Comstack... from grammar school.

ZMUDA

Jesus Christ!

ANDY

(nervous)

What am I gonna do?

ZMUDA

ANDY

I don't believe it!

ZMUDA

ANDY

No!

ZMUDA

(to Security Guard)

Have her come up, please.

The Security Guard leaves.

ZMUDA,

ANDY

Please don't.

GEORGE

Who is Marilyn Comstack?

ZMUDA

ANDY

ZMUDA

(ensuring confidence)

Your career -- remember?

They leave. Kaufman frantically paces. Soon there is a knock at the door. He summons all his courage and opens it. We see Marilyn Comstack, grown up. She is still adorable. She smiles exactly like she did that day in left field.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

EXT. SPEEDING LOCOMOTIVE

“San Diego, California” is supered on the screen.

There is foot stomping in the bleachers as they await the beginning of the show. A few are holding up signs that way, “Dank You Veddy Much”, “San Diego State Welcomes Andy”. Zmuda walks out on stage as the audience applauds in anticipation. The band starts to vamp. Zmuda approaches the mike.

ZMUDA

DISSOLVE TO

EXT. SPEEDING LOCOMOTIVE

“CHICAGO, ILLINOIS” is supered on the screen.

CHORUS

“Mr. Trouble never hands around

when he hears this mighty sound.”

MIGHTY MOUSE'S VOICE

“Here I come to save the day.”

DISSOLVE TO

EXT. SPEEDING MOTORBOAT

“LAKE GENEVA, WISCONSIN” is supered on the screen.

ANDY

Year at harvest time in the

Islands of the Caspian Sea.

DISSOLVE TO

PLANE

ANDY

(in Latka voice)

Dank you veddy much.

The audience goes crazy.

ANDY

(own voice)

ANDY

(singing)

“The world is such a wonderful place to

ANDY

FADE OUT

FADE IN

ANDY

ZMUDA

Andy, if she wanted to eat,

She would have come along.

ANDY

She still might be hungry.

ZMUDA

ANDY

ZMUDA

What the hell is that?

TONY

Getcha hands off me.

WAITRESS

TONY

WAITRESS

TONY

(pointing to wall)

WAITRESS

Just move along. I don't

Want to call the police.

TONY

(continuing)

Wait a minute, getcha hands off me...

ZMUDA

Oh man, get a load of this

ANDY

ZMUDA

Too late.

Tony walks up to them.

TONY

ANDY

No, no, I'm Andy Kaufman.

TONY

That's right, Kaufman... Kaufman.

ANDY

TONY

Yeah, well, you're welcome.

ANDY

TONY

(exploding)

WAITRESS

TONY

ANDY

It's all right, miss.

TONY

Waitress leaves in a huff.

TONY

(man to man)

There'd be bounties on 'em.

(smirk, smirk)

ANDY

(about to sign)

What's your name?

TONY

Tony... Tony Clifton.

ANDY

(writing)

TONY

Thank you, thank you very much... or should

I saw, “dank you veddy much! ” I see you

ANDY

Yeah.

TONY

I sign mine “lots of luck”.

TONY

ANDY

You do in the business?

TONY

I do it all. I sing songs... I dance... I tell

ANDY

Well, thank you.

TONY

Porterhouse Lounge. It's on

I better get back.

ANDY

TONY

(leaving)

If y'know what I mean.

(smirk)

He leaves.

ZMUDA

Unbelievable.

ANDY

(holding photo)

EMCEE

All right, that was...

(looking at list)

Maureen Bakula.

Let's hear it for Maureen.

Applause.

EMCEE

All right, now we're going

to call number twenty-seven...

Number twenty-seven

HOSTESS

Yes, two?

ANDY

HOSTESS

Who?

ANDY

HOSTESS

Singing here... so are they.

HOSTESS

Along with musicians, comics...

A dog barks.

ZMUDA

(to Kaufman)

Headlining, huh?!

HOSTESS

This way, please.

EMCEE

All right, next is number

Twenty-eight, Budd Lewis.

(looks into audience)

ZMUDA

Here we go.

ANDY

Oh, man.

EMCEE

Tony Clifton... Tony Clifton.

TONY

I'm comin', I'm comin'...

Keep your pants on.

EMCEE

TONY

EMCEE

TONY

I don't have any music.

EMCEE

TONY

No... I don't need no piano player.

EMCEE

TONY

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got accompaniment!

ZMUDA

(through teeth)

Oh, my God, Kaufman...

the man's singing to Sinatra!

ANDY

(captivated)

Get a load of this guy.

TONY

(bowing)

EMCEE

Five minutes per comedian.

TONY

EMCEE

TONY

I came here with da understandin'

EMCEE

Who want to go up.

TONY

Other performers! Who wants ta see

We start hearing boos.

TONY

The Emcee does just that.

TONY

(yelling)

Getcha hands off me.

Getcha hands off me! I'll call a cop!

Zmuda and Kaufman are hysterical. Tony is literally thrown outside by the seat of his pants. The place is in chaos. People are booing; the dog is barking and running loose. Kaufman and Zmuda step outside.

Is speaking to Tony.

TONY

ANDY

(interrupting)

Tony, listen... would you consider playing

TONY

Whatta ya talkin' about?

ANDY

TONY

(reaching in coat)

Lemme check my book here.

(pulls out datebook)

October 24th... October 24th.

Yeah, I'll do it for you.

ANDY

Well, that's great. Now, do

You have any arrangements?

TONY

What kind a arrangements...

Hotel arrangements?

ANDY

No, musical arrangements.

TONY

ANDY

No, no Tony.

TONY

ANDY

Yes, that's exactly what I want...

Your full voice.

TONY

(rambling)

You can savor da flavor in

da mayvor in da payvor!!

ANDY

Yeah, Tony, that's great.

ANDY

So, it's all set... October 24th,

You will be my opening act.

They shake hands.

ANDY

(singing)

“Don't be a Mister Milk Toast

or you'll be put out...”

A light turns red and they come to a stop. Soon another car pulls up beside them, and Zmuda nonchalantly looks in. The driver is none other than the same stagehand Marilyn took such a liking to. The thought alone makes Zmuda anxiously await the changing of the light. He looks again. This time he sees a woman's hand slithering up the stagehand's neck -- it belongs to Marilyn Comstack. She proceeds to lick the stagehand's ear. Zmuda protectively tries to block the view from Andy. But it's too late. Kaufman has seen everything. Zmuda stomps on the gas and runs the light, leaving behind a cloud of carbon dioxide... and Andy's “perfect” love.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

ANDY

(changed)

TONY

(singing)

“I have often walked down this

TONY

(singing)

“All at once am I -- several stories

Feelin' good?

(loud)

Come on, wake up! Let's have a

little reaction here. Say yeah!

AUDIENCE

(half-heartedly)

Yeah.

TONY

(serious)

Let's get one thing straight here, people...

BACKSTAGE

ANDY

(to Zmuda)

Look at them, they don't

Know what to make of him.

BACK TO TONY

TONY

What's your name, please?

MAN 1

Joe Lauer.

TONY

Joe Lauer as in... as in... a power...

how's your power or howowya...

how are ya... chihuahua... I got a

little... chihuahua at home...

(smirk, smirk)

Miniature dog, like Lauer.

TONY

What's your name?

M.J.R.

Mary Jane Rodgers.

TONY

Like in Roy Rogers... Roy Rogers.

Dale Evans... so, Mary Jane, how's Trigger?

Y'know, your horse... come on, answer me...

Come on, how's Trigger?

TONY

(whispering to her)

Say back at da old ranch.

M.J.R.

Back at the old ranch.

TONY

(laughing)

And what's your name?

MEL SHERER

Mel Sherer.

TONY

Mel Sherer as in.. sherer... let's see...

Mel... as in Mel Brooks.

(smirk, smirk)

Ya right off the stage.

(yelling)

Understand? Compranday? Com-pran-day-vu?

(calming down)

TONY

“If you're happy and you know it...”

TONY

What's your name again?

MEL

Mel.

TONY

Mel -- what's a matter,

Can't you clap in rhythm.

MEL

I was thrown off.

TONY

Oh, you were thrown off!

They clap.

TONY

“If you're happy and you know it,

clap your hands.”

They clap.

TONY

“If you're happy and...”

Mel mistakenly claps.

TONY

Okay, that does it... what are you...

MEL

I'm not working right now.

TONY

Workmen's compensation,

MEL

I hurt myself on the job.

TONY

What were ya doin'?

MEL

TONY

MEL

Workmen's compensation.

TONY

So that means ya sponge

Off a people like me?

MEL

Compensation is.

TONY,

MEL

Well, it's...

TONY

It's welfare! I work my tail off

MEL

No, that's not the...

What? No!

(looks at Mel's stomach)

Bend down, show the people.

(laughing)

TONY

(laughing)

MEL

Yes, I do.

TONY

Well this is humor, pal.

BACKSTAGE - GEORGE SHAPIRO

GEORGE

Andy, this isn't funny.

ANDY

George, don't you see the

Drama that's unfolding?

GEORGE

Drama? This is shit!

TONY

WOMAN

I think you're disgusting!

TONY

WOMAN

Entertain me! How could anyone find

TONY

And raise your babies.

WOMAN

You chauvinist pig!

TONY

Lady, what are you doin'?

WOMAN

No! You said if I could

come up here and...

TONY

Lady, I was only kiddin' around...

it was a joke!

WOMAN

I want an apology!

TONY

Get off the stage.

He shoves her.

WOMAN

Oh! I'm warning you,

Don't try that again.

TONY

Get off the stage.

He goes to shove her again but this time she grabs his arm and gives him a judo flip. The audience jumps to its feet and cheers. Tony is crawling around the floor. The Woman kicks him in the rump and he falls flat.

TONY

(begging; aside to Woman)

Please... please, lady, lemme get up.

BACKSTAGE - GEORGE SHAPIRO

GEORGE

I'm stopping this!

TONY

For my next number...

TONY

What's goin' on here?

What about my big close?

TONY

Getcha hands off me.

TONY

You people shut up! You get me sick!

TONY

I just wanna say one thing... if I made

Thank you and good night.

ANDY

ZMUDA

Here's some more. The Herald:

“Audience storms stage in Hollywood”.

GEORGE

Terrible! Just terrible!

ZMUDA

Here's another, The Times: “Last night

ANDY

(lost in thought)

“The most obnoxious act in show biz

history ”. Who was it that said, “It doesn't

ZMUDA

P.T. Barnum.

GEORGE

Andy, that is nothing to be proud of...

People hated him.

ANDY

DISSOLVE TO

PARK WEST THEATRE - MARQUEE

DISSOLVE TO

CUT TO

BOX OFFICE “SOLD OUT” SIGN

CUT TO

COVER OF “TIME” MAGAZINE

DISSOLVE TO

CUT TO

CLOSEUP - MIKE WALLACE

MIKE WALLACE

TONY CLIFTON DOLL

Getcha hands off me.

MIKE WALLACE

SPECTATORS

MALE COLLEGE STUDENT

FEMALE CLIFTON GROUPIE

TRUCK DRIVER

Elvis who?

(dismissing it)

Clifton's crap... I come

To throw things at him.

FEMALE CLIFTON GROUPIE

GAY MALE

I think Clifton has his

finger up America's...

(he's bleeped)

LITTLE OLD LADY

(wearing hearing aid)

I enjoy the way he sings.

MIKE WALLACE

Well, whatever the reason...

one thing is for certain...

Tony Clifton is a box office sensation...

The show's about to start.

MIKE WALLACE

This is Mike Wallace...

CBS News. Good night.

DISSOLVE TO

INT. DODGER STADIUM - NIGHT

The stadium is empty and dark. Just a few hours before, Tony had just finished performing to 55, 000 screaming fans. Now he's on stage... alone. Feeling melancholy, he approaches a piano and starts to plink out a melody. With no one around, his singing isn't all that bad.

TONY

(singing)

“In me you see a man alone behind

Anna, I miss you so much.

Tony hears a sound.

TONY

Hey! Who's there?

CUT TO

ANOTHER ANGLE - THE STADIUM

ANDY

No one, Tony... just me.

TONY

Oh, Mr. Kaufman, it's you.

(embarrassed)

ANDY

TONY

ANDY

TONY

ANDY

See her!

TONY

Yeah.

ANDY

No problem, Tony...

I'll take care of it.

TONY

(childish excitement)

Ya will?

ANDY

What's her name?

TONY

ANDY

(trying not to laugh)

TONY

ANDY

TONY

Ya will? ... Why thank you, Mr. Kaufman.

Here's her phone number.

Tony hands card to Andy.

ANDY

Now get some sleep.

TONY

Yes, sir.

He starts to leave.

ANDY

Oh, Tony, just a minute.

(hands him papers)

TONY

He leaves.

ANDY

Good night, Tony.

ANDY

“In me you see a man alone behind

ANDY

Sentimental slob.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - GUESTS

are being seated... lights go down. Out walks the President of the United States. Much applause.

PRESIDENT

Than yours truly.

PRESIDENT

Mr. Tony Clifton.

TONY

PRESIDENT

(to aide)

I want him off.

TONY

We should make 'em hostages

until they lower the oil!

Getcha hands off me.

Grab 'em, they don't even

have green cards...

Walkin' out with the china.

CUT TO

GUARD

Just a minute, miss.

What's your name?

ANNA

Anna Fingerhut.

GUARD

(checking list)

Fingerhut... Fingerhut. Here it is...

ANNA

Thank you.

GUARD

You're welcome.

INT. KAUFMAN'S NBC OFFICE

ANDY

And no matter what happens,

ZMUDA

We won't miss a thing.

Hey, what's with the seal?

ANDY

(mysteriously)

The seal's a surprise!

ANDY

Where's Tony now?

ZMUDA

In his room meditating,

Just like you told him to.

ANDY

ZMUDA

ANDY

(stern)

Go check again.

(smile)

Please.

ANNA

Excuse me, can you tell me

ZMUDA

ANNA

Yes, I am.

ZMUDA

Anna this, Anna that.

ANNA

(flattered)

Tony is a good man.

ZMUDA

Yeah, he is.

(in direction of Kaufman's office)

Though you wouldn't know it

ANNA

What do you mean?

ZMUDA

Nothing, just show biz.

(changes subject)

And watch the taping?

ANNA

Yes, I'd like to very much.

ZMUDA

I have to run now. Bye.

ANNA

Bye.

ANDY

Come in.

Anna enters.

ANNA

Hello.

ANDY

(looking down)

Yes, what is it?

ANNA

ANDY

(looking up)

But not getting it)

ANNA

Yes, I did.

ANDY

(walks to wine)

ANNA

(senses scam)

No, thank you.

ANDY

(changing approach)

ANDY

ANNA

You owe me nothing extra.

ANDY

I want my star to stay happy!

ANNA

No extras.

ANDY

(sensing put down)

You understand.

(hands her check)

ANNA

ANDY

Who knows, maybe we could work out

Some sort of arrangement.

ANNA

ZMUDA

ANDY

Is Igor here?

ZMUDA

He just arrived.

ANDY

(excited)

Good! Go get that idiot, Clifton.

We're starting the show.

ZMUDA

TONY

(bowing)

All your smilin' faces.

The audience boos.

TONY

Audience laughs.

TONY

Do some of your rhymin'.

TONY

Oh, you want me to do some

Of my famous rhymin'.

Audience goes crazy.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Sammy!

TONY

Sammy, let's see... Sammy...

sounds just like Hammy!

Audience laughs.

TONY

Okay, give me a word.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Shine!

TONY

Shine... let's see. Shine... vine...

kind... dine... fine... gine.

(gradual pick up in tempo)

... hind, line, nine, pine, cline, rine...

(fast now)

Audience applauds.

TONY

As a matter of fact,

AUDIENCE

(yelling)

Yeah!

TONY

All right...

(singing)

“A, B, C, D, E, F, G... H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...

Q, R, S, T, U, V... W, X, Y, Z. Now I said

my A, B, C's... tell me what you think of me.”

TONY

Thank you, thank you.

Now, without further ado,

Miss Raquel Welch.

TONY

Audience giggles.

RAQUEL

Real good, Tony.

TONY

Fabricated human bein'.

Audience laughs.

TONY

I heard you had a nose job,

RAQUEL

(standing up)

I don't have to take this.

She leaves.

TONY

Audience applauds.

TONY

JOAN

TONY

He's a very cute little guy.

Audience giggles.

JOAN

No... he's sort of quiet today.

TONY

Audience laughs.

JOAN

No, you shouldn't do that.

TONY

Alone for a minute?

ANDY

Sure, Tony...

ANDY

(serious)

What is it?

TONY

ANDY

Tony, she was acting...

TONY

ANDY

TONY

(humbled)

It does?

ANDY

TONY

ANDY

You see... here it is.

TONY

ANDY

TONY

ANDY

Tony, trust me.

(purposely changing subject)

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you...

Anna arrived.

TONY

(excited)

She did! Where is she?

ANDY

Here's the key.

(hands him key)

I had everything arranged.

Get out of here. Okay?

TONY

(almost childlike)

TONY

(to nearby prop man)

Rudy! Here, take this.

(tosses seal)

RUDY

ANDY

(coldly)

Ditch it!

TONY

(winking)

STAGE MANAGER

Five-four-three-two-one --

We're on the air.

Applause.

TONY

(reading from paper)

Okay, welcome back. My next

TONY

IGOR

(broken English)

Good... yes, good.

Laughter.

TONY

So tell me, why is it you

Like ta kill baby seals?

IGOR

Giggles.

TONY

Laughter.

TONY

Louder laughter.

IGOR

No eat bread butter...

Eat beechuck whale blubber.

Audience is in hysteria.

TONY

IGOR

(rubbing eyes)

Audience breaks up.

TONY

(to Audience)

Audience roars.

TONY

(back to Igor)

TONY

Laughter.

IGOR

I club seal now?

Louder laughter.

JOAN

What????

TONY

Sure, go right ahead.

TONY

Okay, give him da seal.

JOAN

(shocked)

I will not!

TONY

JOAN

No!! Don't!!!

IGOR

He no feel! He no feel! I hit him good!

TONY

(to band)

JOAN

Please, someone help!

The Audience is going wild. Zmuda runs out of the control room with some security guards. The baby seal, tired and out of breath, is sitting helplessly in the middle of the floor. Igor swings again. The club comes smashing down as Zmuda, in the nick of time, grabs the seal. The security guards grab Igor. Tony struts back and forth as the boos, but also laughter, get louder and louder.

GEORGE

(upset)

This time you have gone too far...

Thank God Bob save the seal

From that maniac.

ANDY

GEORGE

ANDY

Oh -- you don't like it?

GEORGE

ANDY

Thing too seriously.

GEORGE

ANDY

Zmuda enters the room.

GEORGE

Andy, I'm warning you...

something has got to change!

ANDY

(had enough)

Yes, something does.

(getting up)

All right, George... you're fired.

GEORGE

What?!

ANDY

I said, you're fired.

ZMUDA

ANDY

That's right... and I'm the man who

Discovered Clifton.

(to George)

So... why do I need him?

GEORGE

(almost relieved)

You don't need me, Andy... you don't

need anyone any more... you've got

it all. You're right at the top...

ANDY

(triumphant)

I don't have to, George.

'Cause I ain't never comin' down.

George walks to the door.

GEORGE

ZMUDA

(fondly)

Talk to you later, George.

George leaves. From out in the hall we hear:

GEORGE'S VOICE

Yahooooo!!

Zmuda laughs to himself.

ANDY

(catches him)

ZMUDA

Yourself up over her.

CUT TO

Getting off elevator. He is carrying a small bouquet of daisies. He walks down a long hall and stops in front of a double door marked, “Suite 2241”. He reaches in his pocket and takes out a key. He is just about to put the key in the keyhole, thinks twice, puts the key back in his pocket and decides to knock first. He is just about to knock, thinks twice about that also.

TONY

(to himself)

Tony, take it easy... calm down.

He reaches in his coat for the Purple Passion. We hear the familiar theme. Tony unscrews the top, turns the bottle over, but only one precious drop drips out. We hear the sax discord down the scale and die.

TONY

What a time to run outta Purple Passion!

ANNA

Tony!

TONY

(loss for words)

Hi.

ANNA

Would you like to come in?

TONY

Yeah, if it's okay.

ANNA

TONY

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.

He enters.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

piano, wetbar, everything... very posh.

TONY

Wow, what a layout!

(spots vase with bouquet of roses)

INSERT NOTE

“To Tony and Anna -- Have a wonderful weekend, “if you know what I mean” -- Andy Kaufman

BACK TO TONY

ANNA

Is that for me?

TONY

What?

ANNA

TONY

Oh, that.

(pulling out flowers)

It's nothin'. It's just some old...

ANNA

TONY

(excited)

They are?

(sheepishly)

They're for you then.

(hands her flowers)

ANNA

TONY

(flustered)

Well... let's see... you're here...

I could hardly believe it... I'm

sorta at a loss for words...

What would ya like ta do?

ANNA

TONY

(unenthusiastic)

Oh, that.

ANNA

Tony, what's the matter?

TONY

Well... ta tell ya the truth, Anna...

I'm gettin' a little sick a... Tony Clifton.

ANNA

TONY

ANNA

Tony, you should do what you want to do.

What makes you happy?

TONY

I don't even know any more...

ANNA

Well, think.

TONY

... Well, ah... you make me happy...

ANNA

Besides me, Tony.

TONY

Well... I don't know... let's see,

ANNA

There you are. What else?

TONY

Let's see... amusement parks...

ANNA

You want. Have some fun.

TONY

A few chuckles.

ANNA

That's the spirit!

TONY

Will you come with me?

ANNA

Of course I will.

TONY

(excited)

You will? Great! Let's see, the first thing

Tony goes into the bedroom.

TONY

(o.s.)

It'll be just like old times...

the ferris wheel, cotton candy...

I'll even win ya a kewpie doll...

I'll see Bugsy, Aunty Deb...

WAITER

(very proper)

Good evening, miss.

ANNA

WAITER

(shocked at Tony's attire)

My word!

TONY

What's all this?

WAITER

Compliments of Mr. Kaufman.

TONY

Oh, Kaufman again.

(gets idea)

I'll tell ya what, my good man...

I want ya ta sit right down here...

(sits Waiter at table)

Here, take your shoes off.

WAITER

Anna giggles.

TONY

WAITER

I beg your pardon, sir?

TONY

What do you do ta have fun?

WAITER

Fun... well, I don't have fun, sir.

TONY

No fun?! Well, you're gonna have

Weekend. There's a limo and

driver downstairs... they're yours.

ANNA

Do you have a girl friend?

WAITER
I have a wife.

ANNA

Well, give her these.

ANNA

Oh, I almost forgot...

WAITER

But where are you going?

TONY

Anna smiles.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

OPEN HIGHWAY - DAY

B.g. music up. Riding along the highway in a peach-colored '57 Chevy convertible, with its top down, are Tony and Anna. We can almost feel the warm country breeze, carrying with it the fresh euphoric scent of the wide open spaces. THIS is what life's all about.

MONTAGE OF TONY AND ANNA HAVING “FUN”

Water skiing, skeet shooting, riding horses; enjoying the rides at a county fair... Tony wins Anna a kewpie doll; late night dining and dancing.

DISSOLVE TO

EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT- SIGN

The Hunchback, played by Charles Laughton, is tied to a pillary. He is being whipped unmercifully as the unfeeling townspeople throw garbage at him. Anna, with tears in her eyes, buries her head into Tony. Tony, fighting to hold back his own tears, continues to watch. The poor Hunchback calls out for water, but nobody will give him any. Nobody until Esmeralda (a beautiful peasant gypsy) mounts the pillary. The crowd goes silent. She brings a cup of water to his lips as he pathetically and lovingly looks up at her.

TONY

ANNA

FADE OUT

FADE IN

PEE WEE

(bragging)

KONWAY

(disgusted; he's heard this before)

PEE WEE

Dat's right... how did you know that.

That's just how it was...

Like a ham sandwich.

AUNTY DEB

Sounds more to me like a turkey sandwich.

PEE WEE

(upset)

What do you mean by that?

AUNTY DEB

(laughing)

You know what I mean.

PEE WEE

(starting to fight)

No, I don't know what you mean...

'splain yo' sef.

AUNTY DEB

What the heck was...

AUNTY DEB

Bugsy, what's gotten...

CUT TO

TONY

(softly)

Hi, Bugsy.

BUGSY

(overwhelmed)

Hi, Ton.

AUNTY DEB

Lordy all mighty...

it's Tony... dun come back!

TONY

Long time no see...

BUGSY

Yeah... long time no see.

TONY

(looking around)

Same old place.

BUGSY

AUNTY DEB

KONWAY

(mumbling)

Yeah, I remember.

BUGSY

Yeah, Tony! On TV... you were

TONY

That here, remember?

BUGSY

TONY

(serious)

BUGSY

You too, Ton.

TONY

Are you happy?

BUGSY

Well, yeah... it's all right...

TONY

Coulda ya do me a favor?

BUGSY

TONY

Ya think I could try the old...

(making screwing gesture)

BUGSY

Sure... go ahead!

TONY

Thanks, Bugs, I needed that. Hey, listen...

things are gettin' pretty busy for me lately...

BUGSY

(not one to speak up)

Yeah, Ton?

TONY

BUGSY

TONY

No, it's not charity... I mean it.

Please, Bugs. I need ya.

BUGSY

Well, since you put it that way...

(smiling)

I accept.

AUNTY DEB

Hallelujah! Bugsy done got his freedom!

TONY

AUNTY DEB

TONY

AUNTY DEB

That's the Lord's truth. I accept...

befo' you come ta your senses, child!

BUGSY

When do we start?

TONY

Right now. I got a car

Waitin' outside. Let's go.

PEE WEE

Hey, wait a second dere...

How about me?

TONY

What about you?

PEE WEE

It would change your life.

TONY

You ripped me off.

PEE WEE

Ain't what it used ta be?

TONY

Tony turns to leave.

PEE WEE

Wait a minute... I'd just like ta

Say one thing, if I may.

TONY

(stopping)

TONY

Okay... you can come too.

PEE WEE

Thank You, boss... thank ya.

CLOSEUP - KONWAY

alone now, working. For the first time we see a different side of him. He appears somewhat saddened. He senses someone and looks up... it's Tony.

TONY

(softly)

You come, too.

Konway looks straight into Tony's eyes for the first time ever. Words are not necessary. They leave together, walking down the long narrow aisle of the factory. When they reach the door that opens to the outside, Konway turns and takes one final look at the last twenty years of his life. Tony puts his arm around him and they leave.

Round bed that puts Hefner's to shame. Built-in wetbar, stereo, a very erotic painting adorning the wall, etc. Kaufman is in bed wearing silk pajamas and gold chains around his neck. Sharing the bed with him are Mary and X-mas, two sisters whose motto is, “double your pleasure, double your fun”. Kaufman is doing just that. There is a knock on the door. Kaufman continues to make out. Another knock.

ANDY

(yelling)

Dammit! Just a second!

ANDY

Who is it?

ZMUDA

It's me... Zmuda.

ANDY

I'm busy.

ZMUDA

(holding up check)

This just came in the mail,

ANDY

What is it?

ZMUDA

She sent it back.

ZMUDA

It looks like she endorsed it...

ANDY

What? Give me that check.

(grabs check; stares at signature)

Smart lady... She's playing him

For the big bucks.

ZMUDA

Oh, come on.

ANDY

ZMUDA

Okay.

(whispering)

ANDY

(doing Elvis)

Two of 'em... I don't want to be

ANDY

The winner gets me.

ANDY

(abruptly; into intercom)

I thought I told you...

ZMUDA'S VOICE

Clifton's here.

ANDY

Clifton! What the hell does he want?

Tell him I'm meditating.

ZMUDA'S VOICE

I think you better see him...

ANDY

(shocked)

Not wearing the tux!

And then send him in.

(to girls)

ANDY

Not that way... the back!

He slaps one on the ass on the way out. They leave. He walks over to the central control panel and pushes a button. The room mechanically changes. The bed disappears and is replaced by a straw mat. The wetbar rolls into a wall and a juicer with a basket of fresh carrots appears. The erotic art on the wall turns over, revealing a picture of a guru in the lotus position. As Andy begins to change his clothes:

ANDY

(to himself)

ANDY

(friendly)

Just a second, please.

Kaufman has put on a pair of pants and a sweatshirt that reads: “I Love Grandma”. He walks over and opens the door. Tony is standing there with a very determined look on his face. He is not wearing the tux.

ANDY

(big smile)

Tony enters.

ANDY

I was just meditating...

TONY

No, Mr. Kaufman.

(to the point)

I've been doin' some talkin'

ta Anna lately and...

ANDY

Yes, Tony?

TONY

I've decided...

ANDY

TONY

Well, I was thinkin' maybe

I could do... a movie.

ANDY

A movie!

TONY

Yeah. The other night I was watchin'

ANDY

(puzzled)

You must be referring to...

“The Hunchback of Notre Dame”.

TONY

Yeah, that's it!

“The Hunchback of Notre Dame”.

Wadda, wadda... that's the movie I

ANDY

(trying not to laugh)

Tony! “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”

Wait a second.

(the idea sinks in)

“The Hunchback of Notre Dame”...

(excited)

TONY

Ya do?

ANDY

Yes... it's wonderful. I can just see it...

you playing Quasimoto... the king of fools...

TONY

Yeah... it'll be my dramatic debut.

ANDY

Oh, it certainly will...

(into it)

I'll even direct it myself.

TONY

I'm glad ya liked the idea.

ANDY

Like the idea! I love the idea!

(leading Tony to the door)

TONY

I can't seem ta remember my mantra.

ANDY

TONY

(stepping into hall)

Well, thanks for everything... Andy.

ANDY

Don't mention it... Tony. Bye.

ANDY

(into phone)

Hello, operator... I'd like to place a

CUT TO

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE

There is a spectacular Hollywood premier in progress. Kleig lights, red carpets, thousands of fans, limos arriving with “big name” stars. We see a gigantic marquee that reads: “Andy Kaufman Presents Tony Clifton in THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME”. Kaufman's extravagant limo pulls up. Kaufman and the two sisters step out. They are all dressed in peach tuxedos. The fans go crazy -- Kaufman yells to them.

ANDY

(in Latka's voice)

Dank you veddy much.

TONY

(raising fist)

Ah, shut up!

INT. THEATRE LOBBY

PHOTOGRAPHER

TONY

Well... I'm here with my friends.

ANNA

We'll be inside.

BUGSY

Yeah, Tony... we'll save you a seat.

TONY

KONWAY

TONY

Thanks, Konway.

PEE WEE

Well, let's get a move on.

AUNTY DEB

TONY

ANNA

Sure, Tony.

(to the gang)

I'll meet you all inside.

The others leave.

ANNA

What is it?

TONY

I just wanna say that...

(nervous cough)

This is the most important day in my life...

ANNA

TONY

ANNA

(straightening Tony's tie)

TONY

(smiling)

Whatever you say, dear.

Tony leaves.

DISSOLVE TO

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE

CUT TO

At first we see only the back of the suffering Hunchback tied to a rotating pillary. He is wearing a peach colored peasant shirt. The townspeople in the film are laughing at him. Our camera pulls back, revealing the crowd in the movie theatre doing the same. As the pillary turns the Hunchback into view, we see it is Tony Clifton. His face has been deformed to look ridiculous. One eye has been placed in the center of his forehead and two of his teeth curve upward like elephant tusks. To make matters worse, there is a Lucky Strike dangling from his mouth. Even if we don't want to laugh, we do.

HUNCHBACK

Wadda... wadda... wadda...

The audience is hysterical. People are rolling in aisles and slapping the floor. Anna and the gang look around, confused. On the screen we see a henchman wearing a black mask. He begins to whip the Hunchback. Every time the whips meets flesh, he lets out an agonizing “ouch”. One audience member is laughing to hard he has to leave. He runs up the aisle, passing Tony, who has been watching from the back.

CLOSEUP - TONY'S FACE

TONY

(to himself)

ANDY

Yes, Grandma... it's very nice

He hangs up.

TONY

(out of breath)

Mr. Kaufman... you... gotta... stop this.

ANDY

Stop what, Tony?

TONY

Stop what? ... Why da movie... they're laughin'.

ANDY

Oh, that!

(closes door)

TONY

Not pay it any mind... but it's suppose

ta... but, it's suppose ta be a serious film.

ANDY

(as if forgetting and

suddenly remembering)

Oh, yes... it was, wasn't it?

(takes out cigar)

TONY

Win some and lose some...

I gotta stop it.

Tony makes a move to leave.

ANDY

(strong)

Stay where you are.

ANDY

TONY

I don't wanna.

ANDY

I said, sit down.

Tony slowly does.

ANDY

Good.

ANDY

Do you remember...

TONY

Sure... you were known for that.

ANDY

That's right... that's what I was

known for... dank you veddy much.

(louder)

ANDY

“Get-cha-hands-off-me”. Five

little words, Tony -- your gimmick.

TONY

ANDY

(laughing)

An artist! Theyre are no artists,

Tony! They all died of starvation,

ANDY

(continuing)

TONY

I'm not a buffoon jerkoff...

ANDY

(sadistic)

TONY

(stands)

I'm... I'm me... I'm Tony Clifton...

ANDY

It won't do you any good, Tony... You see,

TONY

Anna warned me about you...

But I wouldn't believe her.

ANDY

(derisively)

Anna!

(walking to desk)

Tony, Tony, Tony...

ANDY

I believe you'll recognize

The signature on the back.

ANDY

TONY

(screaming)

Stop the movie! Stop the movie!

TONY

Stop laughin'... this isn't a joke!

You people don't understand...

CUT TO

On phone.

PROJECTIONIST

I understand, Mr. Kaufman...

PROJECTIONIST

You stay away from that!

Konway hauls off and slugs the man, who falls limp to the floor. Konway then attempts to shut off the projector. Now knowing how, he pulls a fire ax off the wall and begins to smash it. The projector starts sparking... and comes to a halt.

MOVIE

TONY

Listen... listen ta me. We've all been duped.

He's not what he seems ta be... Kaufman is a...

A tomato hits Tony smack in the middle of the face. He falls to the ground. The audience jumps to its feet. We see Kaufman preparing to throw another one, as ushers are running down the aisles handing out baskets of tomatoes to the crowd.

ANDY

(chanting)

Hit the hunch, hit the hunch, hit the hunch...

The audience, now thoroughly convinced this must all be planned, begins to unleash a fury of flying tomatoes. Tony is struck repeatedly. He struggles to rise to his feet, only to be knocked down again and again. The audience has gone wild. This is more than mere audience participation... it is a vindictive mob that has fallen into Kaufman's trap. After the last remaining missiles have found their target, the audience is left not only spent, but almost ashamed. For lying lifelessly before them, in a tomato strewn heap in the center of the stage, is Tony Clifton, their superstar, their five-syllable-easily-remembered-buffoon... who has just now become... their victim.

Thunder resounds outside. We see Anna in tears being comforted by Bugsy. Kaufman has a grin of immense satisfaction on his face... and then... Tony begins to move. The audience stirs.

TONY

I... I feel sorry for you people...

Tony walks off through the wings. The camera follows him and for the first time we are made aware of the fact that this is actually being filmed as it happens. A movie within a movie. Camera tremor is evident and we begin to see equipment and crew in the shot. Tony walks up to Zmuda, who appears taken aback with the authenticity of the moment.

TONY

(emotionally)

SLOW FADE

FADE IN

INT. EDITING ROOM - KAUFMAN

the filmmaker, is seated at a Steenbeck editing console. Frozen on the console screen is the footage of what we have just seen. Kaufman turns straight to the camera and speaks:

ANDY

At Cedar Sinai Hospital in

In the completion of

“The Tony Clifton Story”.

The camera moves in closer.

ANDY

In memory of Tony... and in all due

Mr. Tony Clifton.

FADE OUT

READER'S NOTE: From now until the end of the film, Andy not only plays himself, but also Tony Clifton. No attempt whatsoever has been made to make him look like Tony except for a moustache and hairpiece. Even the tuxedo hangs loosely from his frame. His portrayal of Tony is exaggerated, to say the least. The film continues where it just left off.

FADE IN

EXT. STAGE DOOR - TONY

(played by Andy) running out of the door, into the rain. He hails a cab, jumps inside and speeds away.

ANOTHER ANGLE - TONY

runs from plane to plane checking to see if any keys are left in the ignition. He finds one, jumps inside and starts flipping and pushing instruments, obviously not knowing what he's doing. The engine starts and the plane heads down the runway and takes off. The plane climbs, dips, climbs, dips and finally ascends into the clouds...

TIME LAPSE

TONY'S PLANE

flying in the clouds. Over this, newspaper headlines, spinning to f.g., “Clifton Quits -- Steals Plane”. Time lapse... plane in flight... “Clifton's Plane Still Missing”. Time lapse... plane in flight... “Tony Lost At Sea -- Feared Dead”. Plane still in flight as we hear... the jungle drums.

INT. NATIVE VILLAGE

Same ritual that took place in the beginning of the film is taking place again. The Chief Headhunter looks up and speaks:

CHIEF HEADHUNTER

Ola Mu Ta.

Soon we hear a plane's engines failing and... the crash.

CUT TO

CRASH SIGHT - TONY'S PLANE

crumbled up into a ridiculous smoldering ball... surely no one survived. The door falls off and Tony steps out, unharmed. He looks at the thick forboding jungle before him.

TONY

Must be Central Park.

TONY

Yep. I was right.

They circle around him.

TONY

Hey, look guys... I got no change.

TONY

Hey, take it easy, pal...

Two more natives poke him.

ANDY

The way I see it, fellas...

(pause)

... if you don't have green cards...

It's all right with me.

TONY

Come on, guys...

TONY

(screaming)

Getcha hands off me.

Getcha hands off me...

I'll call a cop.

Sitting behind desk.

WALTER CRONKITE

Hello, this is Walter Cronkite...

From presidents to popes to

assembly line workers in Philadelphia...

ZMUDA

According to the latest sales figures...

ANDY

How are tickets going

for the Forest Lawn concert...

(correcting himself)

I mean, services?

ZMUDA

Went on sale at five-thirty this morning...

Sold out two hours later.

ANDY

Great! Release the rest to the scalpers,

At triple the price.

ZMUDA

Gotchya.

(starts to walk away)

ANDY

And do me a favor...

ZMUDA

(stopping)

Sure, what?

ANDY

(referring to the tux)

Put on something else.

ANDY

Okay, let's try it again...

and remember, men...

It's up to you to keep the

legend of Tony alive...

They applaud exuberantly.

ANDY

First, the cigarettes and strut...

ANDY

Okay... Getcha hands off me.

CLIFTON-LOOKALIKES

(strutting)

Getcha hands off me.

ANDY

I'll call a cop.

CLIFTON-LOOKALIKES

(in unison)

I'll call a cop.

ANDY

So, I'm eatin' this bowl a noodles in Cologne...

TONY

So, I'm eatin' this bowl a noodles in Cologne...

Camera pulls back to reveal Tony in a large pot of water with a fire lit underneath. The savages are eagerly awaiting the outcome. They are wearing fine French napkins around their necks and grasping silverware... probably left over from the Amelia Earhart crash. One native is chopping carrots into the “stew”. Tony speaks to him.

TONY

Don't skimp, my good man...

you wanna be able to savor my flavor.

Even in his last minutes, Tony is “cookin'.”

TONY

(continuing)

... I thought I'd go out on a song...

The Natives do.

TONY

“Wonderin' in the night, what were

NATIVES

“Do-be-do-be-do”?

TONY

Ya wanna hold it down, please...

TONY

(scared)

What are you doin'? Please, don't!

TONY

(dazed)

Oh... I must be dreamin'.

Tony's eyes open and slowly begin to focus in... he sees the skull. Tony screams -- so do the Natives.

NATIVES

Do-be-do-be-do!

Tony faints dead away... a few beats go by and he begins to come around.

TONY

(eyes closed)

Uh, oh... I'm wakin' up again.

I hope I don't see... what I just saw...

TONY

Wait a second... dat ain't me...

(pinching face)

... Dis is. What's goin' on around...

(spots Sinatra cut-out)

FRANK!!

NATIVES

(loud)

Do-be-do-be-do.

TONY

(testing them)

Do... be.

NATIVES

Do... be.

TONY

Do... be.

NATIVES

Do... be.

TONY

(softly)

Do.

NATIVES

(exuberantly)

Do-be-do-be-do.

TONY

(figuring it out)

Oh... I get it... you think I'm...

Well, well, well, welllll!

TONY

Dis is more like it...

Do-be-do-be-dooooooo.

(spots beautiful native girls)

Yeah, things are beginnin'

to shape up around here...

NEWSBOY

(o.s.)

Extra... extra... read all about it!

TONY

What's that?

EXT. NATIVE VILLAGE

NEWSBOY

Extra... extra... read all about it...

Clifton burial to be held...

TONY

Hey, boy, come here.

TONY

What's this all about?

NEWSBOY

Golly, mister. Haven't you heard... they're

holdin' Tony Clifton's funeral tomorrow!

TONY

What are you talkin' about! ...

Give me one of those...

(grabs paper; reads aloud)

“Services will be held tomorrow

for Tony Clifton... Tickets can

NEWSBOY

DISSOLVE TO

ANDY

(laying it on thick)

Best friend.

Mourning in the b.g.

ANDY

Tony need not be forgotten.

From behind podium)

VOICE (o.s.)

(yelling)

You creep!

TONY

(yelling)

That's him, fellas -- grab him!

ANDY

(pleading)

Tony, please! Look, I'll give you a

third of the money! I'm a nice guy...

TONY

Do this for a long time.

Tony takes a major league windup and belts Kaufman right in the kisser. Kaufman goes flying straight up in the air, then falls down and lands in Tony's freshly dug grave. Dazed, he tries to crawl out, only to be clunked over the head with a shovel swung by the Chief Headhunter. Kaufman crosses his eyes and slithers back down. The Natives let out a bloodcurdling “do-be-do-be-do”. Everyone else applauds. Tony struts jubilantly back and forth.

TONY

Justice is done... justice is done.

Every dog will have his day...

Hammy - Sammy... noodles for everyone.

TONY

VOICE (o.s.)

Getcha hands off her.

Tony (played by Andy) turns to see who this voice belongs to. We see it is the real Tony Clifton... he has returned! Once more we are aware of the fact that this is actually being filmed as it happens.

TONY

Kaufman, where do you get off...

ANDY

Keep the camera going -- this is gold!

TONY

(belligerently; to crew)

ANDY

TONY

Oh... I get to punch you out? ...

Well, maybe I really should. Yeah,

that's it! ... 'Cept this time you're

In Technicolor.

ANDY

Tony!

TONY

(strong)

Shut up!

Kaufman does.

TONY
”The Tony Clifton Story...

The Tony Clifton Story”.

What bullshit! This movie

Has nothin' whatsoever

to do with my life...

it's total fabrication...

that Kaufman made up!

(mockingly)

Hammy - Sammy... wadda, wadda...

TONY

(continuing, to Andy)

And where do you get off tellin'

Was forty-five years old?

(getting mad)

I oughtta give you five across the face...

(a few in the crowd snicker)

TONY

(tenderly)

I just wanna tell ya... that I met

Chickens for all I care.

'Cause honey, I love ya.

ANNA

Oh, Tony! ... I love you, too!

They embrace and kiss lovingly, tears streaming down both of their faces. We hear a lone musical intro. Tony and Anna turn to see who is playing. It's Pee Wee on a harmonica, tears streaming down his face too. Tony begins to sing.

TONY

(singing)

“We always have a roof above us

We have someone to love us,

we're sure of getting far.”

TONY

(continuing, singing)

“You don't need a lot of log and

stone, build a home on happiness...”

(falsetto)

Alone.

(loud)

CHORUS

“With a million little stars

With an optimistic feeling

when we build a little home.”

TONY

“Every single little dream

Is a shingle or a rafter.

Soon it turns into a grand scale musical finale, complete with grave diggers singing and digging in rhythm to the music. The elephant dances in circles. We see caskets spring open as corpses sit up and harmonize. Kaufman takes off for the hills, only to be chased back by the strutting Clifton-Lookalikes, followed by the Natives, all carrying large green cards, followed by tap-dancing bottles of Purple Passion, followed by a gigantic cake on wheels that ominously approaches Kaufman, stopping a few feet from him. The inscription on the cake reads, “To Kaufman, From Tony”. The cake begins to vibrate and out pops Marilyn Comstack. Kaufman is stunned.

TONY

ANDY

No, I can't.

TONY

Tell her!!

ANDY

(to Marilyn; haltingly)

One thing... I know for sure...

MARILYN

I love you, too.

EVERYONE

(singing)

“With a million little stars

With an optimistic feeling

TONY

BLACK OUT

THE END

THE

TONY CLIFTON

STORY

Second Draft Screenplay

ANDY KAUFMAN

BOB ZMUDA

January 1, 1980

PRODUCERS

George Shapiro

Howard West

Transcribed by

DON ALEX HIXX

SUBTERRANEAN CINEMA

http: //www.subcin.com

THE TONY CLIFTON STORY

FADE IN

EXT. DEEP AND DARKEST AFRICA

“CONGO - THE PRESENT” is supered on the screen.

EXT. CANNIBAL VILLAGE

TRIBAL DANCERS

12 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Следующая ⇒

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