DOUBLE MEMORIAL ALBUM. Eighteen

Ninety-five -- album. Twenty-one

Ninety-five -- cassette tape.

With this priceless recording,

Tony's voice...

(booming)

Will echo through the canyons and

resound from the hills, just as if...

VOICE (o.s.)

(yelling)

You creep!

We see Tony charging over the hill riding an elephant, followed by the entire Ubangi tribe, in full war dress.

TONY

(yelling)

That's him, fellas -- grab him!

Natives run after Kaufman, screaming, “do-be-do-be-do”. The others present are speechless. Kaufman tries to escape only to be caught and dragged back to Tony.

ANDY

(pleading)

Tony, please! Look, I'll give you a

third of the money! I'm a nice guy...

Remember “dank you veddy much”?

TONY

Don't give me any a that crap,

Kaufman... I've been waitin' ta

Do this for a long time.

Tony takes a major league windup and belts Kaufman right in the kisser. Kaufman goes flying straight up in the air, then falls down and lands in Tony's freshly dug grave. Dazed, he tries to crawl out, only to be clunked over the head with a shovel swung by the Chief Headhunter. Kaufman crosses his eyes and slithers back down. The Natives let out a bloodcurdling “do-be-do-be-do”. Everyone else applauds. Tony struts jubilantly back and forth.

TONY

Justice is done... justice is done.

Every dog will have his day...

Hammy - Sammy... noodles for everyone.

Tony struts obscenely up to Anna.

TONY

Come here, you two-bit whore,

Let me lay some pipe into ya.

He grabs her forcibly. Just then we hear...

VOICE (o.s.)

Getcha hands off her.

Tony (played by Andy) turns to see who this voice belongs to. We see it is the real Tony Clifton... he has returned! Once more we are aware of the fact that this is actually being filmed as it happens.

TONY

Kaufman, where do you get off...

Tellin' people I died a cancer?

Kaufman lets go of Anna. The entire “cast”, especially the girl playing Anna, is genuinely shocked. This is really happening. Even the savages drop their characterizations.

ANDY

Keep the camera going -- this is gold!

TONY

(belligerently; to crew)

Yeah, you wanna keep playin' with

your little cameras, go right ahead...

It makes no difference ta me.

(walks right up to Andy)

And, Kaufman, take off that ridiculous

Disguise before I rip it off your face.

Andy appeasingly takes off the toupee and moustache.

ANDY

Tony, I don't know why you're so

Upset. If you hadn't walked off

The film, you would have seen that

You're the hero -- you get the girl.

You even get to punch me out.

TONY

Oh... I get to punch you out? ...

Well, maybe I really should. Yeah,

that's it! ... 'Cept this time you're

Not gonna go flyin' thirty feet in

the air... you're gonna be bleedin'

In Technicolor.

ANDY

Tony!

TONY

(strong)

Shut up!

Kaufman does.

TONY
”The Tony Clifton Story...

The Tony Clifton Story”.

What bullshit! This movie

Has nothin' whatsoever

to do with my life...

it's total fabrication...

that Kaufman made up!

(mockingly)

Hammy - Sammy... wadda, wadda...

I don't even talk like that.

It was all a lie... a fantasy.

TONY

(continuing, to Andy)

And where do you get off tellin'

People I didn't get any until I

Was forty-five years old?

(getting mad)

I oughtta give you five across the face...

(a few in the crowd snicker)

But that's probably just what

you want, isn't it? ... So you can

Ge it all on your little cameras

Here. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint

You, Mister Kaufman, but I'm not

Gonna do that. That's not why I

came back... not at all. Instead

I want you to watch very closely,

Because I'm gonna show you the

Difference between me and you.

Tony walks over to Anna. The strut is gone.

TONY

(tenderly)

I just wanna tell ya... that I met

You while workin' on dis here

movie... and I don't even know what's

Goin' on any more, but one thing

I know for sure...

(tears forming)

As long as I have you, we can

Move to da country and raise

Chickens for all I care.

'Cause honey, I love ya.

ANNA

Oh, Tony! ... I love you, too!

They embrace and kiss lovingly, tears streaming down both of their faces. We hear a lone musical intro. Tony and Anna turn to see who is playing. It's Pee Wee on a harmonica, tears streaming down his face too. Tony begins to sing.

TONY

(singing)

“We always have a roof above us

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