I see you're a woman who doesn't

beat around the bush... I like that.

Very businesslike he goes back to his desk and takes out checkbook and pen.

ANDY

Let's see, I believe you said three

Hundred the first night, and two

hundred each additional night...

that comes to seven hundred...

Make than an even eight hundred dollars.

(giving knowing look)

ANNA

You owe me nothing extra.

ANDY

I want my star to stay happy!

ANNA

We've already agreed on a price.

No extras.

ANDY

(sensing put down)

Suit yourself. Seven hundred dollars.

(tears out check)

Do me a favor, I'd appreciate it

If you went back to the hotel and

Waited for him there. Can't tell --

There might be some press hanging

Around and it wouldn't look good if

it got out that Tony... had to pay for it.

You understand.

(hands her check)

ANNA

You can tell Tony I'll be at the hotel.

She starts walking to the door. Andy gets up to see her out and gives it one last try.

ANDY

Who knows, maybe we could work out

Some sort of arrangement.

ANNA

I don't think so; it wouldn't look

Good if it got out that Andy Kaufman

had to... pay for it... you understand.

She closes the door in his face. Kaufman walks back to his desk, pissed. Zmuda enters.

ZMUDA

Isn't Anna staying for the taping.

ANDY

No, she wanted to get back to the hotel.

You know, turn a few extra tricks.

Is Igor here?

ZMUDA

He just arrived.

ANDY

(excited)

Good! Go get that idiot, Clifton.

We're starting the show.

INT. STUDIO FOURTEEN - STAGE

The show is about to start. Drum roll.

ZMUDA

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the

moment you've all been waiting for...

Andy Kaufman Productions is proud

to present, The Tony Clifton Show!

Music in. Audience applauds.

ZMUDA

Tonight, Tony's guests are Raquel Welch,

Joan Embry, from the San Diego Zoo

And Tony's special guest, Igor Vorst.

And now here he is, a man that some

critics are calling the Bob Dylan of the 80s...

Mr. Entertainment himself... Tony Clifton!

Fanfare. Curtains open and Tony enters. Audience goes crazy.

TONY

(bowing)

Thank you very much. Thank you.

It's wonderful ta look out and see

All your smilin' faces.

The audience boos.

TONY

All right, all right, let's not have

A few wreck it for everyone else.

Audience laughs.

TONY

We got a big show here tonight.

AUDIENCE MEMBER (yelling out)

Do some of your rhymin'.

TONY

Oh, you want me to do some

Of my famous rhymin'.

Audience goes crazy.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Sammy!

TONY

Sammy, let's see... Sammy...

sounds just like Hammy!

Audience laughs.

TONY

Okay, give me a word.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Shine!

TONY

Shine... let's see. Shine... vine...

kind... dine... fine... gine.

(gradual pick up in tempo)

... hind, line, nine, pine, cline, rine...

(fast now)

Sign, tine, vine, wine, yine, gine,

Zine -- That's every word in the

World that rhymes with shine --

I just went down da alphabet.

Audience applauds.

TONY

As a matter of fact,

Do ya wanna hear da alphabet?

AUDIENCE

(yelling)

Yeah!

TONY

All right...

(singing)

“A, B, C, D, E, F, G... H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...

Q, R, S, T, U, V... W, X, Y, Z. Now I said

my A, B, C's... tell me what you think of me.”

The Audience gives Tony a standing ovation.

TONY

Thank you, thank you.

Now, without further ado,

I'd like ta bring out my first guest,

Miss Raquel Welch.

Fanfare. Raquel enters and sits down on panel.

TONY

So tell me, Raquel, how are you doin'?

Audience giggles.

RAQUEL

Real good, Tony.

TONY

Nice to have you here. Tell me,

I hear that you are a completely

Fabricated human bein'.

Audience laughs.

TONY

I heard you had a nose job,

Tush job, and silicone breasts.

The Audience becomes hysterical.

RAQUEL

(standing up)

I don't have to take this.

She leaves.

TONY

That's right. You don't have to

Take this. Let's hear it for Raquel.

Audience applauds.

TONY

My next guest is from the San Diego

Zoo. Her name is Joan Embry, and

She brought with her a little friend.

Joan walks out holding an adorably cute baby seal.

TONY

Welcome to our show. So tell me,

What is this here ya brought wid ya today?

JOAN

This is an Icelandic hard seal, Tony.

As you can see, he's a cute little guy.

TONY

He's a very cute little guy.

Can he talk? Let's hear him talk.

Audience giggles.

JOAN

No... he's sort of quiet today.

TONY

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