Why don't ya learn how to lift things?

So, whatta ya mean... you're on workmen's

Compensation? How do you support

Yourself now that you've hurt your back?

MEL

Well, that's how I support myself --

Workmen's compensation.

TONY

So that means ya sponge

Off a people like me?

MEL

No, that's not how workmen's

Compensation is.

TONY,

Well, explain it to me, please.

MEL

Well, it's...

TONY

It's welfare! I work my tail off

Up here so people like you can sit

In da audience and enjoy da show

And now I have ta pay on da welfare.

MEL

No, that's not the...

What? No!

(looks at Mel's stomach)

Hey, whatta ya growin' dere,

A bowlin' ball? Suck your stomach

In, pal. Suck your stomach in.

Hey, whatta ya growin' up there?

(refers to Mel's loss of hair)

Bend down, show the people.

(laughing)

Look at that, folks. He's goin' bald.

(serious)

You fat pig. You fat, balding sponge.

I've never seen a sponge more balding

Than you. You are a no-good, dirty,

fat, balding sponge of society.

The Audience is booing Tony. Kaufman and Zmuda are hysterical.

TONY

Listen, don't boo him just 'cause

He's a fat sponge. We'll give him

another chance. Hey, Mr. Mel...

Mr. Fat Sponge, I'm only kiddin'.

It was all in fun... put it there, pal.

Tony holds out his hand to shake Mel's. Mel reaches for Tony's hand, but Tony pulls it awa, giving him the old fake handshake.

TONY

(laughing)

Listen, Mr. Mel, I'm only foolin'.

Do ya have a sense of humor?

MEL

Yes, I do.

Tony picks up a glass of water and takes a sip.

TONY

Well this is humor, pal.

Tony pours entire glass over Mel's head. Mel runs off stage.

BACKSTAGE - GEORGE SHAPIRO

GEORGE

Andy, this isn't funny.

ANDY

George, don't you see the

Drama that's unfolding?

GEORGE

Drama? This is shit!

TONY

Strutting around shoving the other people off the stage. The place has gone wild. People are throwing their rolled up programs at Tony. Tony drops to one knee, mockingly begging Mel's return.

TONY

Oh, Mel, don't leave me now. Come back.

It was all in fun. Where's your sense of

humor? Everybody say “awwwww”.

A Woman yells out from the audience.

WOMAN

I think you're disgusting!

TONY

Why don't ya just sit back and

Relax. You do your thing and I'll

Do my thing. Your thing is ta

Sit back and enjoy the show.

My thing is ta entertain ya.

WOMAN

Entertain me! How could anyone find

Anything entertaining about this?

TONY

Then why don't ya go home to the

Kitchen where ya belong? Go back

Home and wash your dishes and your

pots and pans... scrub your floor

And raise your babies.

WOMAN

You chauvinist pig!

TONY

What are you? Women's lib? Hey listen,

guys, I should call it women's lip... that's

All it is, is a lot of lip service. Hey listen,

Lady, you want my respect? You're gonna

Have ta earn it. The day you could come

Here and knock me down, that's the day

you'll get my respect. Until then...

Stay in the kitchen where ya belong.

Okay, for my next song...

The Woman furiously gets out of her seat and starts walking onto the stage. The Audience has gone wild.

TONY

Lady, what are you doin'?

Would ya please get off the stage?

WOMAN

No! You said if I could

come up here and...

TONY

Lady, I was only kiddin' around...

it was a joke!

WOMAN

I want an apology!

TONY

You're not gettin' any apology.

Get off the stage.

He shoves her.

WOMAN

Oh! I'm warning you,

Don't try that again.

TONY

Get off the stage.

He goes to shove her again but this time she grabs his arm and gives him a judo flip. The audience jumps to its feet and cheers. Tony is crawling around the floor. The Woman kicks him in the rump and he falls flat.

TONY

(begging; aside to Woman)

Please... please, lady, lemme get up.

Give me a little bit of dignity here.

He starts to crawl away only to be kicked once more. She bows and leaves. Tony gets up -- rubs hands together as if to say, “I showed her! ”

BACKSTAGE - GEORGE SHAPIRO

GEORGE

I'm stopping this!

Zmuda and Kaufman are laughing. George signals to close the curtain.

TONY

TONY

For my next number...

Curtains close, knocking Tony down.

TONY

What's goin' on here?

What about my big close?

A security guard runs out and tries to get Tony off.

TONY

Getcha hands off me.

Getcha hands off me.

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