Music up. Into to “Street Where You Live”. Applause. Kaufman leaves. Tony steps out on stage.

TONY

(singing)

“I have often walked down this

Street before. But the pavement

Always stayed beneath my feet before”.

(speaking to audience)

Come on, everybody, clap your hands.

TONY

(singing)

“All at once am I -- several stories

High -- knowing I'm on the street

Where you live. And oh -- the

Towering feeling just to know --

Wo -- wo -- somehow you are near.

The overpowering feeling that

Any second you may suddenly appear.

(drops to knees)

I said -- I said -- I said people stop

and stare... they don't bother me.

For there's nowhere else on earth

That I would rather be. Let the time

Go by -- I won't care if I -- can be here

On the street -- I saida here on the

Street -- I saida here on the street

where you livvvvvvvve!

On -- the -- street -- where --

you -- live!!!!!!!!!!!!

Audience applauds and laughs... surely Kaufman isn't serious about this guy.

TONY
(bowing)

Thank you, thank you very much.

(holding side)

I think I hurt myself on that one.

(smirk, smirk; lights cig)

I want ta thank you all for comin'

to see me. How's everybody doin'...

Feelin' good?

(loud)

Come on, wake up! Let's have a

little reaction here. Say yeah!

AUDIENCE

(half-heartedly)

Yeah.

TONY

(serious)

Let's get one thing straight here, people...

I don't have ta do this. I'll walk right outta

Here. You can have a strip show for all I care.

BACKSTAGE

ANDY

(to Zmuda)

Look at them, they don't

Know what to make of him.

BACK TO TONY

TONY

All right, I'd like to do a little

Audience participation. I'd like

Ta call up a few volunteers.

A few volunteers walk on stage.

TONY

Okay, now who do we have here?

What's your name, please?

MAN 1

Joe Lauer.

TONY

Joe Lauer as in... as in... a power...

how's your power or howowya...

how are ya... chihuahua... I got a

little... chihuahua at home...

(smirk, smirk)

Y'know. Chihuahua -- a little

Miniature dog, like Lauer.

Moving on to the next person.

TONY

What's your name?

M.J.R.

Mary Jane Rodgers.

TONY

Like in Roy Rogers... Roy Rogers.

Dale Evans... so, Mary Jane, how's Trigger?

Y'know, your horse... come on, answer me...

See if ya can come up wid somethin' witty.

Come on, how's Trigger?

TONY

(whispering to her)

Say back at da old ranch.

M.J.R.

Back at the old ranch.

TONY

(laughing)

Back at the old ranch. That's right.

Okay, a woman after my own heart.

(aside)

Listen, honey, I'll see ya after da show.

(to audience)

Okay, movin' right along...

(to next volunteer)

And what's your name?

MEL SHERER

Mel Sherer.

TONY

Mel Sherer as in.. sherer... let's see...

Mel... as in Mel Brooks.

(smirk, smirk)

Y'know, but seriously folks, he's a maker

Of wonderful, funny movies. Mel Brooks

Made a lot a funny movies here.

(aside to Mel, seriously)

Listen, Mel, I want ya ta understand

one thing... just because you have the

Same name as Mel Brooks, doesn't mean

You're a funny man. Don't come up here

And try and crap up my act, or I'll throw

Ya right off the stage.

(yelling)

Understand? Compranday? Com-pran-day-vu?

(calming down)

Okay now, if I may. I want all you people on stage

Ta clap your hands in rhythm to the music. All right,

One-two-three-four, one-two-three-four.

(singing)

“If you're happy and you know it,

clap your hands! ”

Volunteers clap hands twice.

TONY

“If you're happy and you know it...”

Mel claps his hands too soon.

TONY

Okay, pal, what is this here?

What's your name again?

MEL

Mel.

TONY

Mel -- what's a matter,

Can't you clap in rhythm.

MEL

I was thrown off.

TONY

Oh, you were thrown off!

We'll give ya one more chance

And then if ya mess up -- we'll

throw ya right off the stage...

All right, here we go again.

(singing)

“If you're happy and you know it,

clap your hands.”

They clap.

TONY

“If you're happy and you know it,

clap your hands.”

They clap.

TONY

“If you're happy and...”

Mel mistakenly claps.

TONY

Okay, that does it... what are you...

Stupid or somethin'? Tell me, Mr. Mel,

What do you do for a livin' anyway?

MEL

I'm not working right now.

I'm out on workmen's compensation.

TONY

Workmen's compensation,

What the hell does that mean?

MEL

I hurt myself on the job.

TONY

What were ya doin'?

MEL

I was working construction and I

Lifted something and hurt my back.

TONY

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