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Life's crap .. I come to love him.



GAY MALE

I think Clifton has his

finger up America's...

(he's bleeped)

LITTLE OLD LADY

(wearing hearing aid)

I enjoy the way he sings.

CLOSEUP - MIKE WALLACE'S FACE

MIKE WALLACE

Well, whatever the reason...

one thing is for certain...

Tony Clifton is a box office sensation...

As a matter of fact, I'd better hurry,

The show's about to start.

Camera opens up to reveal Wallace in peach colored tuxedo.

MIKE WALLACE

This is Mike Wallace...

CBS News. Good night.

DISSOLVE TO

INT. DODGER STADIUM - NIGHT

The stadium is empty and dark. Just a few hours before, Tony had just finished performing to 55, 000 screaming fans. Now he's on stage... alone. Feeling melancholy, he approaches a piano and starts to plink out a melody. With no one around, his singing isn't all that bad.

TONY

(singing)

“In me you see a man alone behind

The wall he's learned to call his home.

A man who still goes walking in

The rain expecting love again.

In me you see a man alone drinking

Up Sunday's and spending them alone.

A man who knows love is seldom what it seems.

Just other people's dreams.”

(speaks)

Anna, I miss you so much.

Tony hears a sound.

TONY

Hey! Who's there?

CUT TO

ANOTHER ANGLE - THE STADIUM

ANDY

No one, Tony... just me.

TONY

Oh, Mr. Kaufman, it's you.

(embarrassed)

I was just practicin' the old

Piano here. Playing this stupid

Song. You didn't hear me, did ya?

ANDY

No, Tony, I didn't hear you.

(changing subject)

Hey, shouldn't you be in bed?

You know tomorrow's a big day.

Not every day a performer gets to

Entertain at the White House.

TONY

Oh yeah. I suppose that means somethin'.

ANDY

Tony, is there something on your mind?

If there is, you can tell me.

TONY

Well, it's nothin' important,

Mr. Kaufman.It's just that...

there's this chick I know...

and I've been so busy lately...

that I haven't had a chance ta...

ANDY

See her!

TONY

Yeah.

ANDY

No problem, Tony...

I'll take care of it.

TONY

(childish excitement)

Ya will?

ANDY

Sure. Just leave it all to me.

What's her name?

TONY

Anna Fingerhut. She lives in Philly.

She works at da Paradise Massage Parlor.

ANDY

(trying not to laugh)

A massage parlor? She could come visit

When you're taping your special next week.

TONY

Ya mean it? But what if she has ta work?

ANDY

Just leave it all to me, Tony.

I'll call her up and make her an offer...

I mean explain the situation.

TONY

Ya will? ... Why thank you, Mr. Kaufman.

I don't know what I'd do without ya.

Here's her phone number.

Tony hands card to Andy.

ANDY

Now get some sleep.

TONY

Yes, sir.

He starts to leave.

ANDY

Oh, Tony, just a minute.

(hands him papers)

Here's a few ideas that should go

Over real well at the White House.

TONY

Anything you say, Mr. Kaufman.

Thanks for everything. Good night.

He leaves.

ANDY

Good night, Tony.

Kaufman walks to the piano and starts to play -- he imitates Tony singing.

ANDY

“In me you see a man alone behind

The wall he learns to call his home.

A man who still goes walking in the

rain expecting love again.”

He runs his fingers across the whole keyboard.

ANDY

Sentimental slob.

EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - ESTABLISHING

INT. WHITE HOUSE - GUESTS

are being seated... lights go down. Out walks the President of the United States. Much applause.

PRESIDENT

Good evening, Senators, Congressmen,

Mr. Vice President and especially a

Warm welcome to our guests for the

Evening, the Delegation from the

People's Republic of Red China.

Applause. We see the Chinese Delegation seated in front, bowing to the introduction.

PRESIDENT

Tonight's entertainment, I must confess,

I've never had the pleasure of viewing

Before, but I'm told that he's the latest

Rage. I do know he's received more press

Than yours truly.

Polite presidential laughter. Interpreters fill in Red Chinese, who laugh.

PRESIDENT

So, it's a pleasure to welcome my guest

This evening at the White House,

Mr. Tony Clifton.

Applause. Out walks Tony in his familiar outfit. He is wearing a set of Jerry Lewis “Chinese teeth”.

TONY

Thank you, Mr. President, Senators,

Congressmen, and you short people down front.


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